Move On Already! xD

08/08/2013 – Thursday

      *Crack, Crack* It’s strange for a young man or rather teenage guy like me to be complaining about back ache. “Sheesh, I sound like an old man.” I probably blame myself for this since I spend countless of hours sitting in front of my desk on my ‘not so comfy chair’ doing self-studying, working on a project or simply using the laptop for hours.

     My life is pretty messed up now, not the condition but mostly because of my mixed feelings. I probably should stop whining about my senior whom is treating me like a stranger because she won’t be responding to me any time soon. I’ll just continue on with my ‘dream’, to catch up and surpass her one day. I fall, I stand, I fall again and I stand again, that’s how life should be.

     For my recent ‘heartbreak’, I’ll just have to deal with it and move on. I can’t seem to stay as friends with her because sooner or later, I would have feelings for her over and over again. That’s not a very good sign, because it hurts when that happens, bear that in mind. As much as I say ‘I don’t care’, I can’t resist not to care about her and as much as I try to avoid her, I just can’t! Even when I’m away from her, even when I don’t see her, I can’t stay away from her!

     My new beloved phone!!! 

     Honestly, waiting for the end of this year/end of high school, it feels so long because I want to MOVE ON already! My journey in high school is almost ending soon though! I graduate, I take my ‘major’ exam (SPM), I go for National Service (yeah... I was selected for it), I go to college, meet new people, have a new life and MOVE ON.

     In my condition, alright, I’m not that bad. I still have friends to support me along the way, at least I won’t feel that lonely. Listening to their problems (hearing them out) and trying my best to help them isn’t so bad either. I keep myself busy. Thus, my mind is free from thinking of ‘her’, I only have few more months left anyways, won’t be seeing her much/anymore after this year. I do hope she lives a happy life though, even though we may have bad experiences but that doesn’t mean it is right for me to curse her. She was someone who seems ‘perfect’ for me once after all.

     Nevertheless, she has moved on and so should I! I only have one word left to say… COLLEGE! I’m waiting for college! xD A whole new ‘world’ awaits me! :3   

                           Peace out! 

Shatter.

04/08/2013 – Sunday

      “What does ‘on the verge of losing it’ means? How many ways are there to ‘lose it’?”

 The ‘losing it’ that I was trying to say is losing your sanity or losing your calmness because of something.  

You ‘lose it’.

You could become aggressively angry and start destroying everything around you.  You could become unimaginably depressed and be consumed by it or you could just lose every meaning in your life to stay alive. 

     It’s been months since I’ve last had a friendly chat with you. My days now are so shattered without you. You are my escape route because every time when I have problem, you will be there for me when I need you even if you was busy. You understand me while others don’t, why did you leave me in this wretched world on my own?

     I am determined to strive hard so I could be standing on the same ‘stage’ as you, so that you would acknowledge me once again but I am already breaking down on my first few steps. You are my motivation to be successful but honestly, I’m not doing so well when you’re not with it. You even went as far as treating me as if we’re just strangers.

I was hurt and I am hurt. We were fine all this while, why suddenly bring back the past? I regret Li Hung, I really regret what I’ve done in the past. I regret living in this ‘present time’. I regret everything right now. Regrets are all I have now, they are my curse and they are useless.

I’m selfish to say “I want you to be in my story, the main character.” I want to have those endless hours chatting about anything and everything with you. I want to Skype with you and ask you about your day. I want your care and support. All we had, all we’ve done, I want all of them back to how it used to be. I’m selfish when it comes to you because I’m selfish to you whom ‘I need’ and now I regret being selfish for the wrong person. It’s not a good thing to selfish, it never is, but I must say, being selfish has its own benefits.

How long has it been since my dream of standing on the same stage as you was born? How long has it been since I’ve told you that I will make you acknowledge me one day? Every time, once I hold my books, I think of you. I go to the gym, I grow stronger, I think of you. When my thoughts wander about college, university and the future, I think of you. You are momentarily my motivation to grow but how long will I last without you in my life?

I’m struggling every day because of someone. I’m convinced that I’ve broken free but honestly, I was just lying to myself. I was just trying to look away and ignore the fact. I will end up forgiving, I will end up caring, I will end up doing the same mistakes over and over again. I hurt and get hurt, I forgive and be forgiven, I care, I love and get hurt again. This cycle, I can’t break free from it, I need your support, Chong Li Hung.  

I abandon my pride for you and you know how prideful I was and am. Pity me, help this useless junior of yours.

I am so weak, to tell you that I can stand next to you one day when I can’t even stand anymore. 

Short Post : Nostalgic

13/07/2013 – Saturday

     It feels so nostalgic chatting with her once again. No voice and no face to face encounter but just simple words and sentences shared through the phone. I can’t believe, I’ve gotten over the girl I once loved madly without noticing.

     The days when I long to be with her, the days I’ve gone through certain lengths to get to her and the days I cried when I was away from her… They all became nothing but memories to me right now. Those intense feelings I had for 2 years have disappeared without a trace or rather…it just neutralized into something mutual known as ‘friendship’.

    How?

Maybe my friend was right, she told me “The only way to get over someone is to fall for another”. In the process of getting over her, I did ‘fall’ for another… One year passed, so many things have changed and so many events have occurred. My intense feelings for her are gone because of someone new whom I gave my heart to. Although, my intense feelings for that someone new is too, fading away…becoming the same to how I feel towards her…   

How funny, how nostalgic… 

Will this be an unending cycle for me? 

Bittersweet Memories

02/07/2013 – Tuesday

     How many years has it been since we had a friendly conversation by the table in the Prefect room about your house’s address?
    

     Do you remember when you sprayed water at me with a water gun behind/beside the school’s stage during Kem Ketua Kelas? I wasn’t being emo then, I just didn’t want to look like a fool in front of you. After all, I’ve always been a fool, even till now. I wanted to play with you, splash you back and mess with your hair but I didn't. So I just ended up sitting there staring at you as you spray spray, waiting for reaction. 

     I miss the days when we texted day and night. You was on holiday waiting for your next phase of life while I’ve just started my high school life. I miss Skyping with you till late night, miss the days you comfort and accompany me when I was facing dengue fever. I treasure the days when you share your stories with me, it made me feel like I’m part of your life and you trust me.  I know it’s ridiculous, I know it sounds childish and I know it’s deserved to get a ‘so?’ for a reply but I miss everything about you. Won’t you please at least clear my confusions of your silent absence?    

The silly things I do~

     My sweetest memory with you was on 10/06/2012. It was our first time going out together. Ice skating, archery, had the miserable plate of pasta and watch Snow White and the Huntsman together. I remember, parts and partial of it but sadly not in detailed. In the bus, I was left speechless because looking at you, recalled the bitter memories of my regret. The saddest memory for that day was when you went home without even glancing back once. I stood there waiting for you to enter the house before leaving.  

     Where did you go? What does it mean? Did I unintentionally break a promise? Why? Please answer me and not brush me off like a stranger.

I’m lost.

It’s cold.

Why?

 I forgot to ask…

Li Hung…how are you? J

Accident add 10 days ==...

8th October 1994

28/06/2013 – Friday

     8^th October 1994… Why wasn’t I born in the same year as her or the not so distant years before her birth?  It has been weeks since I’ve last contacted her with only a few sentences of little words. The mystery of what happened between her kept me in a bind for months and even now, I’m still pondering of what wrong I have done.

     We’re 2 years apart and I’m the younger party. She used to treat me like a little boy and she probably thinks of me as one too. Due to that treatment, I feel like a little boy trying to chase after his elder sister who is at a much further point in life. Is 2 years really that huge of a difference? It could be a maybe but it could also be a maybe not.

     The last time we’ve actually spoken to each other was about… 4 months ago. :/ In within the 4 months, so many changes and events have taken place. Unexpected events such as…I’ve somewhat gotten together with a girl whom I’ve liked and probably in love with since a year ago. It wasn’t just like a ‘dream come true’ but it was a ‘dream come true’ to me. Everything seemed so perfect, my life feels so complete and my dream to protect ‘her’ in the future came alive again.  Sadly, everything came crashing down as I ruined everything. My life became meaningless once again.

     I blamed myself. I blamed ‘her’. I blamed everyone around me. I was so lost. I was so confused.

I want the only girl that understands me to comfort me but…she’s not even with me anymore. She is busy living her life while I am busy cursing mine. My ‘dream girl’ wasn’t someone who could understand me and I guess we’re not meant to be. I miss her. I miss the girl who is 2 years older than me. She understands me in a way. I feel comfortable being with her, I feel safe…  I could have endless conversation with her but she’s normally busy, so I wouldn’t dare to. I need her to keep my sanity intact but yet… I made her left without a word and yet I don’t know what I did wrong…

     There are times when I wonder in my mind, does she even think of me or is she too busy with her own life? Am I a stranger, a friend or a brother to her? Do I still exist to her?  I think of her occasionally, cherishing my memories of and with her. Only 4 months have passed and yet I felt like it has been years…

     “You only appreciate someone when they are gone.”

Based on your opinion, what do you think of that phrase?

Foolish, is what I am. Every time when I’m depressed and lost, I would seek for her comfort. Forgetting to appreciate, I just move on with my life without remembering who gave me the strength to stand once again. I’m sorry for all I’ve done wrong to you, I’m sorry for troubling you all the time and I’m sorry for being a useless ‘little boy’.

If you ever read this, you know who you are.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be a stranger to you, at least be my friend, be my senior…

I need you.

Passion for Riding

05/06/2013 – Wednesday

     What do you do when you want to get something off your mind? You want to free yourself from all your frustration and overthinking. Some of us would scream our lungs out at the top of some random hill, some of us will drink to our heart’s content till we’re so drunk that we forgot our own names and some of us would just sleep through our problems. In my case, I ride to my heart’s content on a powerful two wheeled vehicle known as superbikes.

     I became a rider when I was 16 which is last year. I was supposed to be a normal motorcycle rider but I end up qualifying as a superbike rider. Strangely, the superbike in the driving institute was much simpler to control than the lower grade motorcycles. My dad is also a rider and his hobby is also riding a superbike, well, at least I know where this passion for riding of mine came from. Unlike my personality that I not know of, riding is something I enjoy. I don’t actually race at top speed on the road but I do go a certain amount of speed that is enough to satisfy my adrenaline needs.

     Gearing up, riding on the road, beating the cars and feeling the wind beating on me, riding is so much more thrilling than that. It trains your precision, it raises your awareness and it boost your confidence because as every single second when you’re riding, your life is already on the line. One wrong move, either from you or from others and you are dead or at least seriously injured. In cases of emergencies, you only have seconds to react. Compared to cars, when a car crashes, the car blows up first then you die but when you’re a rider, you die first.

        I am just an inexperienced rider but I do love riding as it is somewhat my hobby. Everyday being on the road is like practicing to me. My superbike is not just another mode of transport to me, he is my friend, my best friend in fact. He brings me from destination to destination, he gives me excitement and he comforts me when I’m on the verge of breaking down. Through riding, I’ve met friends along the way that shares the same passion, although, their passion for riding is even stronger than mine. I’m a casual rider but they are racers, not legal racers though. I tend to play safe and live a safer life but they go extreme, risking their lives at another level. 

     My dad is an international racer. Riding at 200km/h from country to country, I seriously wonder how an old man like him still manages that. He was the one who first introduced me to riding. When I was a kid, he used to ride me around my housing area in his low grade motorcycle when he had time. My parents split the cash to buy my own motorcycle but soon my dad pass his superbike over to me and now, I ride side by side with my dad. Like father like son, how amusing this phrase seem to me right now.

     “Watch out dad, I am taking over your legacy and also going to surpass your achievements.”

He maybe a douche bag and looks down on me all the time but he is still my dad. Despite that, I think he is proud of me because he always introduces me as ‘his son’ to others. He would always go “This is my son.” He rarely uses my name when he introduces me.

     Anyways, do you fear death? Well, I think almost everyone does at some part of their lives. You may not notice this but all the motorcycle and superbike riders you see on the road, we’re risking our lives every single day we get on that 2 wheeled vehicle even when we fear death.