Malacca Once Again~

14/08/2013 – Wednesday

It has been quite a while since I’ve been to Malacca (Melaka)! It certainly was an enjoyable and tiring trip for me. >_< 

     First stop would be the food stall, Malacca is all about history and food after all.  Then I went to hunt for my friend’s birthday gift in ‘Jonker Walk’ and whao, it is challenging to find a gift for a girl. Lazy as usual, I just got her something ‘common’ for her birthday which is 15/08/2013. xD After that, I went to visit some historical places and oh, shop for souvenir. I only bought one for myself though. 

Souvenir shops everywhere.    

     For some reason, when I start walking around taking pictures on my own (as usual)… I noticed many young adults travelling together in a pair (especially the foreign visitors) and that made me thought of my senior (jealous of them). “I don’t know why, I just did.” They get to travel together, eat together, enjoy each other’s company and so much more. It’s just, a dream, which many of them are living. That is a good thing, ofcourse.  

The ruined...church? I didn't really bother reading. 

I believe when it comes to travelling, a 2-4 members team would be perfect. It’s more convenient in terms of transportation (such as taxi), accommodation, restaurant seating and so on. They have this saying ‘the more, the merrier’ which is true but it is also more inconvenient. So in my opinion, 2-3 members in a group would be the best.

Anyways, my family (including my cousin and aunt) and I, went to all sorts of places in Malacca, ate all sorts of yummy food and went home. The trip home was a pain, I was already worn out from moving about in Malacca and I regret volunteering to drive 2-3 hours back home. I was somewhat sleepy, there were cars and trucks of all different sizes rushing from my sides and the darkness of the night tempted me to sleep even more. Needless to say, reaching the destination was a bliss, a huge relief as I got to walk the longest stretch of pasar malam (night market) in Malaysia which would be known as the ‘Cheras Pasar Malam’ or something like that.

My trip back to my home, my sister drove. Done, end of story, bath like I haven’t bathed for days (it feels so damn great after sweating the whole day).  >_<

 Looks somewhat epic, could do better without the additional 'heads' though. 

 Like a flower waiting to bloom, I will chase up to you one day, Li Hung. :P

  The famous A' Famosa, it's just a piece of leftover building from the historical war. 

By the way.... I noticed someone unblocked me on a certain social media, that made me really happy. ;) 

Love - Hate Dream

13/09/2013 – Tuesday

     It was a weird dream. I haven’t dreamt of her for quite a while till 2 nights ago and that dream was definitely not a good sign.

The girl I have been going crazy for, it has already been a year + since I started having feelings for her. There have been so many thoughts and hopes about her. This sick girl, I had so many suspicions, worries, jealousy, sadness, happiness, relief, frustration and joy because of her. None of these would have happened if I did not love her in the first place.

I admit and do not deny that I have dreamt of her on several occasions, all were sweet and comforting dreams. I had dreams of taking care of her, dreams of being by her side, dreams of seeing her smile and dreams of growing up with her. All of them actually came true for me, except for one, and before that dream came true, everything came crashing down.

All those dreams were similar…they were all positive but… two nights ago, it was different.

Dressed in black. 

I don’t know why and I don’t know how but I dreamt of …. hurting her. There were several scenes. One scene was when I slapped her or something for some reason which I can’t remember (because it was a dream). The other scene was a little longer.

I was in some open-balcony and not too far away from a place where an event was going on. It was some sort of costume event or rather anime convention. I saw two random students holding guns in their hands. It wasn’t an actual gun, it was those ‘pellet guns’ or ‘air rifles’ and they had pretty huge one.  Needless to say, I ignored them and climbed out of the balcony to the roof. Then, I placed the container which was slinging across my shoulder and started unloading what was inside it. It was a sniper, a really long and huge one too. It had a stand to it, and I used the scope to spy on the event which was going on nearby. In my dream, I saw her standing about the place through the scope of my sniper.

Quiet but deadly. 

As silent as the night in a deserted town, *bang*. I shot her neck. She flinched and quickly placed her hands to her neck. I shot again and again till she ran for cover. Lying on the roof, I quickly stood up, grabbed my sniper and ran in pursuit of her. Locking my eyes on her, I did not let her escape my sight so I could hurt her endlessly.

In reality, right now, I do not hate her at all. She is my friend, she is my classmate and she is just another ordinary girl. I loved her and I got hurt by her. I suffer, I cry, I forgive and I try to move on with neutral feelings towards her. Then why is it that I dreamt of hurting her and felt the desire to hurt her when I was dreaming?

     Honestly, I do not hate her. In fact, I have not gotten over her yet. I am trying to though. She once said she’d rather I hate her then be nice to her. Well, I should congratulate her, unintentionally and subconsciously, she made me hate her.

I am a bad person after all, I love her so much till I hate her from deep beneath my heart.

Unexpected Encounter.

09/08/2013 – Friday                                                                           

     Unexpected encounter, this was really unexpected for me.

I woke up early this morning to fulfill my promise. I wanted to craft something for my cousin’s very belated birthday gift. It was supposed to be a cup of Starbucks but somehow it ended up being a homemade gift. I didn’t expect that we would meet again so soon but oh well, guess being late than never is alright for me. I went straight to work after my cup of protein shake. I had to measure the wood, saw it into smaller piece and then craft it with a short blade. I made it just in time to meet up with my cousins in Midvalley.

     I drove to Midvalley with my family. 

     My aunt managed to get a one-day free trial for Celebrity Fitness in Midvalley (since her family is members of it). It was quite spacious but the machines weren’t anything special and it was somewhat crowded for me. The toilets and bathrooms aren’t as good as my gym’s (Fitness First in Summit), the lockers are not so convenient and they don’t provide free drinks. I still prefer the gym I go to then.  The best thing about Celebrity Fitness in Midvalley for me would probably be the swimming pool and oh my gosh, I haven’t swim since I was approximately 9 years old. I’m 17 now so it has been 8 years since I’ve been in a swimming pool!

      Anyways, after gym I went for lunch at Food Junction. Chit chat with my aunt, tease my cousin a little and moved on until… that is when it happened. I saw her. It was definitely an unexpected encounter for me.

     I didn’t notice her at first while I was walking but for no reason (I have no idea why), I just turned my head to the left and saw her. She was standing or rather resting her back by the wall while fiddling with her phone. We were just about 5 meters far. I saw my other seniors standing while chatting but she was just there engrossed with her phone. I quickly swooped to a corner (not too far from where she was standing), I texted her ‘long time no see’ to test her reaction but as predicted, she simply ignored me. She could have changed her number but I’m guessing she just ignored it.

     As lucky as it was for me (not so lucky for her), she came to a somewhat bench...(it wasn’t a proper bench so I called it ‘somewhat bench), and sat directly across to me. She was just sitting parallel to where I was standing, practically looking at me. It took her about 10 seconds to realize that I was standing there. “Damn, I suddenly feel like a stalker.” Anyways, for a few seconds, our eyes met. Once again, I don’t know why, I just shook my head in disappointment while looking at her. She quickly avoided eye contact after that and treat as if she has just seen another stranger staring at her.

I wanted to talk to her but I respect her decision, if she’s going to treat me that way, then so will I. I’m not ready to meet her yet, not till I’ve achieved my goal, not till I’ve surpassed her, not till I’ve lived my dream of being on the same platform as she is.

     I acted like any other passer-by, walking with a phone to my ear (I was actually calling my other senior whom I’ve not seen for half a year though sadly, he didn’t pick up) and moved on without another word. The feeling was…sadness and disappointment. I was hurt by the reaction she gave me but I deserved it, I deserved being treated like a stranger by her. I deserved being hated but she was kind enough not to hate me, she just ignored me. I felt happy yet sad because I got to see her once again but got treated like a stranger.

I managed to save my favourite picture of her in my computer. Only two people have pictures in my contact list. Her and her best friend.  

She was wearing the same shirt since the last time I went out with her (I think, it looks the same). She is the girl with specs. She is special. She understands me. She is my senior. She is my precious friend. She is my motivation to succeed. She is a girl I treasure. She is Li Hung. 

I miss you and it was nice seeing you again.  

Move On Already! xD

08/08/2013 – Thursday

      *Crack, Crack* It’s strange for a young man or rather teenage guy like me to be complaining about back ache. “Sheesh, I sound like an old man.” I probably blame myself for this since I spend countless of hours sitting in front of my desk on my ‘not so comfy chair’ doing self-studying, working on a project or simply using the laptop for hours.

     My life is pretty messed up now, not the condition but mostly because of my mixed feelings. I probably should stop whining about my senior whom is treating me like a stranger because she won’t be responding to me any time soon. I’ll just continue on with my ‘dream’, to catch up and surpass her one day. I fall, I stand, I fall again and I stand again, that’s how life should be.

     For my recent ‘heartbreak’, I’ll just have to deal with it and move on. I can’t seem to stay as friends with her because sooner or later, I would have feelings for her over and over again. That’s not a very good sign, because it hurts when that happens, bear that in mind. As much as I say ‘I don’t care’, I can’t resist not to care about her and as much as I try to avoid her, I just can’t! Even when I’m away from her, even when I don’t see her, I can’t stay away from her!

     My new beloved phone!!! 

     Honestly, waiting for the end of this year/end of high school, it feels so long because I want to MOVE ON already! My journey in high school is almost ending soon though! I graduate, I take my ‘major’ exam (SPM), I go for National Service (yeah... I was selected for it), I go to college, meet new people, have a new life and MOVE ON.

     In my condition, alright, I’m not that bad. I still have friends to support me along the way, at least I won’t feel that lonely. Listening to their problems (hearing them out) and trying my best to help them isn’t so bad either. I keep myself busy. Thus, my mind is free from thinking of ‘her’, I only have few more months left anyways, won’t be seeing her much/anymore after this year. I do hope she lives a happy life though, even though we may have bad experiences but that doesn’t mean it is right for me to curse her. She was someone who seems ‘perfect’ for me once after all.

     Nevertheless, she has moved on and so should I! I only have one word left to say… COLLEGE! I’m waiting for college! xD A whole new ‘world’ awaits me! :3   

                           Peace out! 

Shatter.

04/08/2013 – Sunday

      “What does ‘on the verge of losing it’ means? How many ways are there to ‘lose it’?”

 The ‘losing it’ that I was trying to say is losing your sanity or losing your calmness because of something.  

You ‘lose it’.

You could become aggressively angry and start destroying everything around you.  You could become unimaginably depressed and be consumed by it or you could just lose every meaning in your life to stay alive. 

     It’s been months since I’ve last had a friendly chat with you. My days now are so shattered without you. You are my escape route because every time when I have problem, you will be there for me when I need you even if you was busy. You understand me while others don’t, why did you leave me in this wretched world on my own?

     I am determined to strive hard so I could be standing on the same ‘stage’ as you, so that you would acknowledge me once again but I am already breaking down on my first few steps. You are my motivation to be successful but honestly, I’m not doing so well when you’re not with it. You even went as far as treating me as if we’re just strangers.

I was hurt and I am hurt. We were fine all this while, why suddenly bring back the past? I regret Li Hung, I really regret what I’ve done in the past. I regret living in this ‘present time’. I regret everything right now. Regrets are all I have now, they are my curse and they are useless.

I’m selfish to say “I want you to be in my story, the main character.” I want to have those endless hours chatting about anything and everything with you. I want to Skype with you and ask you about your day. I want your care and support. All we had, all we’ve done, I want all of them back to how it used to be. I’m selfish when it comes to you because I’m selfish to you whom ‘I need’ and now I regret being selfish for the wrong person. It’s not a good thing to selfish, it never is, but I must say, being selfish has its own benefits.

How long has it been since my dream of standing on the same stage as you was born? How long has it been since I’ve told you that I will make you acknowledge me one day? Every time, once I hold my books, I think of you. I go to the gym, I grow stronger, I think of you. When my thoughts wander about college, university and the future, I think of you. You are momentarily my motivation to grow but how long will I last without you in my life?

I’m struggling every day because of someone. I’m convinced that I’ve broken free but honestly, I was just lying to myself. I was just trying to look away and ignore the fact. I will end up forgiving, I will end up caring, I will end up doing the same mistakes over and over again. I hurt and get hurt, I forgive and be forgiven, I care, I love and get hurt again. This cycle, I can’t break free from it, I need your support, Chong Li Hung.  

I abandon my pride for you and you know how prideful I was and am. Pity me, help this useless junior of yours.

I am so weak, to tell you that I can stand next to you one day when I can’t even stand anymore. 

Short Post : Nostalgic

13/07/2013 – Saturday

     It feels so nostalgic chatting with her once again. No voice and no face to face encounter but just simple words and sentences shared through the phone. I can’t believe, I’ve gotten over the girl I once loved madly without noticing.

     The days when I long to be with her, the days I’ve gone through certain lengths to get to her and the days I cried when I was away from her… They all became nothing but memories to me right now. Those intense feelings I had for 2 years have disappeared without a trace or rather…it just neutralized into something mutual known as ‘friendship’.

    How?

Maybe my friend was right, she told me “The only way to get over someone is to fall for another”. In the process of getting over her, I did ‘fall’ for another… One year passed, so many things have changed and so many events have occurred. My intense feelings for her are gone because of someone new whom I gave my heart to. Although, my intense feelings for that someone new is too, fading away…becoming the same to how I feel towards her…   

How funny, how nostalgic… 

Will this be an unending cycle for me? 

Bittersweet Memories

02/07/2013 – Tuesday

     How many years has it been since we had a friendly conversation by the table in the Prefect room about your house’s address?
    

     Do you remember when you sprayed water at me with a water gun behind/beside the school’s stage during Kem Ketua Kelas? I wasn’t being emo then, I just didn’t want to look like a fool in front of you. After all, I’ve always been a fool, even till now. I wanted to play with you, splash you back and mess with your hair but I didn't. So I just ended up sitting there staring at you as you spray spray, waiting for reaction. 

     I miss the days when we texted day and night. You was on holiday waiting for your next phase of life while I’ve just started my high school life. I miss Skyping with you till late night, miss the days you comfort and accompany me when I was facing dengue fever. I treasure the days when you share your stories with me, it made me feel like I’m part of your life and you trust me.  I know it’s ridiculous, I know it sounds childish and I know it’s deserved to get a ‘so?’ for a reply but I miss everything about you. Won’t you please at least clear my confusions of your silent absence?    

The silly things I do~

     My sweetest memory with you was on 10/06/2012. It was our first time going out together. Ice skating, archery, had the miserable plate of pasta and watch Snow White and the Huntsman together. I remember, parts and partial of it but sadly not in detailed. In the bus, I was left speechless because looking at you, recalled the bitter memories of my regret. The saddest memory for that day was when you went home without even glancing back once. I stood there waiting for you to enter the house before leaving.  

     Where did you go? What does it mean? Did I unintentionally break a promise? Why? Please answer me and not brush me off like a stranger.

I’m lost.

It’s cold.

Why?

 I forgot to ask…

Li Hung…how are you? J