Waiting for the Future!

07/09/2013 – Saturday

     Finally, the weekend is here. I can sleep to my heart’s content and laze around. I’ll probably regret doing this because I still have two remaining subjects for my examination the coming Monday and Tuesday. The two remaining subjects would be economics and principles of accounts. I’m getting mixed feelings from this because economics is one of my favorite subject and accounts would be one of my toughest.

The clutch is missing, the petrol tank is dent and the headlight totally broke. 

     Anyways, I spent the day with my mom and eldest sister. The big car needs to be fixed and I wanted to go see the Kawasaki (superbike). It was quite a splendid day, a good break for me I suppose. In the morning, I got to spend time with my laptop. In the afternoon, my family and I brought to fix the car. I went to see the superbike and I got to see a whole bunch of high-class superbikes. We went to look at some cars (possibly my future car) xD. I had a nice lunch and dessert (Tong Pak Fu).  *sigh* Tong Pak Fu reminds me of the time when I went out with Coacine in Midvalley. It was my first time eating that and I had a nice long chat with her. :3

     Back to topic, the things I discussed with my family today really got me dreaming about the future. The things like college, business, cars, houses, shares and so on. College is just one year ahead of me, in fact, it’s just few months away. Everything is planned out, everything is prepared but now the only thing left to do is, achieve sufficient results so I can enroll into college. I have perhaps about 4-5 years before I go out to work. As a young adult and fresh graduate, it’s hard to buy things like a house and car.

     These dreams we have in our minds of being successful, they seem so easy to achieve but obviously, reality is never kind to us. I’ve never even dreamt of getting into an accident but reality hits me anyways. No matter how bad or how horrible things are and no matter how hopeless the situation seems to be but giving up is not an option, so, we might as well take the initiative to achieve our desires.

Likewise, I will not give up on these so called ‘silly’ dreams of mine. Despite this accident, I will be a rider once again when I’m recovered! :D I’m waiting for the future, waiting for my turn to move out and face what challenges this cruel world has to offer. ><        

The jacket broke my fall, it saved me from many injuries and external wound. 

I will be riding once again when I'm healed. :D 

Little Boy

02/09/2013 – Monday

     It feels so nostalgic reading back our old conversations. It brings me to tears as I truly miss the time I once had with her. One thing I notice, she either calls me an 80 year old man or a kid. It is funny because I too call her an old lady or a little kid.

     I am being childish. I was probably trying to shorten the age gap between us but reality won’t change, she will be forever 2 years more mature than I am in terms of age.

     “I really like the relationship between u n me now. Friendship with a 80yr old man.” Hm…so am I an old man or a kid. The answer is obvious. As much as I lie to myself, reality doesn’t falter because it is harsh. I am just a little boy in her eyes.

     I am aware that all I’ve said till now is childish. I understand that my desire to chase after her, making her my motivation and so on, sounds immature. It sounds like a little boy desperately chasing after a mature girl and that is rather cute, in other words, pathetic.

     That may all be true but… If this is the reason that could make me successful, be the best and beat the rest in the future, is it really that childish? Am I really immature to think of it this way? Am I on the right track or is this just a child’s wishful thinking…?

What is right and what is wrong, the journey that lies ahead of me will be my answer. I am 17 and in about half a year’s time, I would be 18.

Who will I become then? 

Chance

31/08/2013 – Saturday

     Honestly, I think I could have died if I wasn’t careful in my most recent accident but I didn’t. I am quite lucky too. I didn’t sustain any serious nor permanent injuries as everything will heal back to normal. It is a little inconvenient though. My left shoulder is somewhat busted for a month from now. I can’t drive, I can’t ride and it’s a little bit more difficult for me to carry out my daily activities. The cast I have slinging by my shoulder is also a burden, it restricts my arm, it’s so damn obvious and I can’t wait to get it off me.

     “Why has this happened to me?” I really don’t know but I’m sure it’s God’s plan. He has His reasons and I’m trying to find out what it is. I am disabled for a month and I can’t do anything excessive for the next 3 months. I’m restrained from my active lifestyle. I was shattered and my pride was in vain. For the few days in the hospital, I felt like I’ve lost a part of me.

     When I had to go for school so I could sit for my exams, I can feel the stares of others. I could only shut my heart from the shame I bear. I survived an accident but yet I was standing there with all of them. I have an excuse not to go but I chose to go because I too want to fight alongside with my fellow friends in exam. I was given a chance to grow, I didn’t sustain any permanent injuries and that means I am just taking a break to learn from my mistakes. I can still get back what is mine and I can still fight for my dreams without limits.

     This experience, this accident…it taught me something. I may be weak but I still need to keep moving on. Weakness is not meant to be an excuse, it’s meant to be a strength. I am broken and beaten down but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to keep moving forward. If I stop now because of what little excuse I have, when will I ever achieve my dreams? 

Fatal Escape

23/08/2013 – Friday

     Here I am, sitting on this uncomfortable white bed that could be controlled remotely in this lighted room. In agony and sadness, I wake up from my nightmare to write about my automobile experience as early as 3AM in the morning.

     Before everything happened, I shall explain what happened from the very beginning. On 21^st of August 2013, it was supposed to be just like any other ordinary day. Sadly, that didn’t appear to be the case.

    I slept early the night before and woke up fresh for the day. I go to school, studied and lazed around a little before I went home. On the way to my car, I noticed my left side window was severely cracked.

“Oh no, not again..” I thought as this has happened to my right side window few months back. As soon as I got home, I grabbed my phone and rushed off to find a repair shop for my car. Searching for the repair shop was a huge burden as my mom seriously needs to improve her ‘giving directions’ (we were on the phone). I gave up listening to my mom’s directions and found a repair shop on my own. The original repair cost was 170 ringgit but I managed to bargain a discount of 5 ringgit. Oh well, the extra 5 ringgit would serve as my lunch money. The repair men told me that cases like my car window cracking is nothing surprising, it’s even increasingly popular. The cause of the window cracking could be the work of people who cuts/shaves the grass, just one small stone that flicks to my car window is enough to crack the entire portion. 

     Receiving the knowledge that I may be able to claim back my repair fee from the government, I eagerly rushed home and geared up to ride my dad’s bike back to school (wanted to check for evidence of grass being cut/shaved). Carefully riding my bike, I noticed a taxi by the junction. I was going straight and not too far from the junction so it was obviously my road. Despite that, the taxi driver selfishly swooped out from the corner to make a U-turn and blocked my road. There were 3 lanes, the first and second lane was blocked by the taxi, I was on the second lane and the third lane had an oncoming car not too far from me. In the midst of urgency, I grabbed my clutch to kill the engine and carefully pulled the emergency brake.

    It was too close and I had no time, my tires screeched and wobbled then my mind blacked out before/after I crash. Everything happened so fast and no, no light flashed before my eyes or whatsoever, I just blacked out. When I regained consciousness, I saw people of different races barricading the road for me. I was lying right in the middle of the road with my face looking up to the sky, the sky looks as if…someone wrote before ‘sky goes on forever’. The people whom were barricading the road for me (to prevent any more accident) stared at me intently, I sat up and cried in agony. There were no tears but the pain can be detected from my voice. I turned my body a little and saw my dad’s bike (Kawasaki ZRX 1200) lying on the ground, damaged. Still screaming in agony, as my side ribs and shoulders hurt immensely, there was a girl whom I thought was from my school (found out later that she is my classmate’s elder sister) who called out to me in the crowd “Bryan, are you okay?” but I was in too much pain to bother. It took me a few minutes to gather my strength so I could walk to side of the road (with the help from the crowd). They settled me on the sideway and pushed my bike to the side. The taxi driver came out from the taxi and looked down on me with his cold eyes. He was there standing while blaming me that I was going too fast and rammed into his taxi. Nobody bothered listening to him, they gave me water and urged the taxi driver to drive me to the nearest clinic available.

     I told the crowd to grab my keys for me and they helped me onto the taxi. The old chinese looking man was mumbling on his own as he reluctantly drove me to the clinic. He appointed me into the clinic (with the Identity Card in my wallet) and left without another word (I’ll explain more about this later). I was laid on a small bed in the clinic, screaming agony, I had no strength to spare the doctor’s endless questions. Luckily my mobile phone was intact, he used it to notify my mom that I was involved in an automobile accident. Once again, it was my mom’s turn to shower me with her set of endless questions. Receiving no proper answers from me, she rushed from her office to find her son, to find me. About 15 minutes after the doctor injected the painkiller (which was ineffective), my grandma and sister came to visit me, as the clinic is just opposite of my house. Soon after that, my mom came and prepared to car as I had to be immediately sent to the hospital. I grabbed my mom’s wrist and tears started rolling down my cheeks.

    

    “I’m sorry”, it wasn’t the pain that made me cry, it was because of the burden and worries I left for my family. Two indian men and one indian lady came in, carried me into the car and I was rushed off to Sunway Medical Centre (the hospital).

     We were caught in a bad traffic jam and nobody bothered about my mom’s ‘hazard signal’. Every second, every bump and every brake was excruciating to me. By using the emergency letter from the doctor before, I was given immediate attention by the hospital and was rushed into the emergency ward. Breathing was a challenge and so was enduring the pain. They scanned my upper body with X-ray before injecting another stronger dose of painkiller. After I have calmed down a little, I was brought for CT scan. Once that was done, I was left lying on the temporary bed in the emergency ward, waiting for my results. Making effort to breathe in and out once again, tears began to roll down my cheeks once more. My mom was sitting next to me, wiped my tears while engaging on her numerous phone calls.

     “Yeah, he is lying on the bed, crying.” Was what I heard. Little did she know that my heart was saying “Mom, I’m not crying because it hurts, I’m crying because I’ve hurt you and caused you to panic because of me.”

     Even with extra dose of painkiller from before, I was fighting back tears and pain. My mind was screaming out her name “Li Hung! Li Hung. Li Hung….” before I fell asleep. She is my strength and motivation, so thinking of her calms my nerves.

                                                                                                                           

     Unaware of the hours that passed by, I woke up to find my sisters and aunt looking at me. My mom was still on the phone though (whao, she’s busy). We received good news from the doctor as there were no serious nor permanent injuries. My shoulders are fractured, my ribs and back are cracked and my lungs are bleeding. Few hours later, I was admitted into a proper room (a room for two), my relatives came to visit me and we shared our stories. I then found out that the taxi driver made a police report before my family did because when my mom left the hospital earlier, she typed in my dad’s bike plate number and immediately another plate number popped up, it was the taxi’s number. Anyways, as visiting hours ended, everyone was forced to leave because I was sharing the room with another man named Mohan, my neighbor.

     My body was laying on the bed uselessly, I just kept thinking of her name, repeating it over and over again till I fall asleep. It was not a peaceful night. There was the sound of snoring coming from both sides (one was my neighbor, another was a patient from some other room), the ‘nurse bell’ was ringing non-stop, my body felt horrible and my heart was uneasy.

     The following morning came by, 22^nd of August 2013, my mom and sister came to visit me at approximately 7.30 AM. The doctor came into my ward and gave an unofficial result, similar to the day before, no serious nor permanent injuries, all my wounds and injuries will heal in a few months. The day just passes by with visitors coming in and out of my room. I shared my story, I ate my meals, I chat a little and fiddled with my phone. Obviously, I was stuck onto the bed the whole time.

     I want to thank my friends, Adrian and Edwin, for taking care of my bike while I was away and I appreciate the, visiting me in the hospital along with their packet of oats. I am touched to have friends who would help me when I am in need of help.

     Family, relatives, friends and my mom’s church friends came to visit me I appreciate each and everyone one of them. Visiting hours ended and I forced myself to sleep once again. The light on my neighbor’s side was on, the televisyen was on, he still have visitors (even when the visiting hours ended), the ‘nurse bell, was blaring non-stop and I just laid on my bed helplessly, thinking of her.

     23^rd August 2013, here I am, once again, I’m back from the beginning. It’s 6AM and I just finished chatting with my room neighbor, Mohan since an hour ago (he was also awake). I really appreciate right now, getting up and taking a few steps is already a huge effort for me.

     I end now and tell my tales, another day…

Side story : it was my first time sitting on a wheelchair. I was bored and wanted to explore the hospital even if it’s a little. My mom showed me Starbucks, 7-eleven and the list of doctors in Sunway Medical Centre. It was just a short while but I already ran out of breath as sitting up is also an effort to me. “Thanks mom for pushing me around in the wheelchair and sorry for causing you so much to trouble. I love you even if I rarely show it.”

The end. 

Malacca Once Again~

14/08/2013 – Wednesday

It has been quite a while since I’ve been to Malacca (Melaka)! It certainly was an enjoyable and tiring trip for me. >_< 

     First stop would be the food stall, Malacca is all about history and food after all.  Then I went to hunt for my friend’s birthday gift in ‘Jonker Walk’ and whao, it is challenging to find a gift for a girl. Lazy as usual, I just got her something ‘common’ for her birthday which is 15/08/2013. xD After that, I went to visit some historical places and oh, shop for souvenir. I only bought one for myself though. 

Souvenir shops everywhere.    

     For some reason, when I start walking around taking pictures on my own (as usual)… I noticed many young adults travelling together in a pair (especially the foreign visitors) and that made me thought of my senior (jealous of them). “I don’t know why, I just did.” They get to travel together, eat together, enjoy each other’s company and so much more. It’s just, a dream, which many of them are living. That is a good thing, ofcourse.  

The ruined...church? I didn't really bother reading. 

I believe when it comes to travelling, a 2-4 members team would be perfect. It’s more convenient in terms of transportation (such as taxi), accommodation, restaurant seating and so on. They have this saying ‘the more, the merrier’ which is true but it is also more inconvenient. So in my opinion, 2-3 members in a group would be the best.

Anyways, my family (including my cousin and aunt) and I, went to all sorts of places in Malacca, ate all sorts of yummy food and went home. The trip home was a pain, I was already worn out from moving about in Malacca and I regret volunteering to drive 2-3 hours back home. I was somewhat sleepy, there were cars and trucks of all different sizes rushing from my sides and the darkness of the night tempted me to sleep even more. Needless to say, reaching the destination was a bliss, a huge relief as I got to walk the longest stretch of pasar malam (night market) in Malaysia which would be known as the ‘Cheras Pasar Malam’ or something like that.

My trip back to my home, my sister drove. Done, end of story, bath like I haven’t bathed for days (it feels so damn great after sweating the whole day).  >_<

 Looks somewhat epic, could do better without the additional 'heads' though. 

 Like a flower waiting to bloom, I will chase up to you one day, Li Hung. :P

  The famous A' Famosa, it's just a piece of leftover building from the historical war. 

By the way.... I noticed someone unblocked me on a certain social media, that made me really happy. ;) 

Love - Hate Dream

13/09/2013 – Tuesday

     It was a weird dream. I haven’t dreamt of her for quite a while till 2 nights ago and that dream was definitely not a good sign.

The girl I have been going crazy for, it has already been a year + since I started having feelings for her. There have been so many thoughts and hopes about her. This sick girl, I had so many suspicions, worries, jealousy, sadness, happiness, relief, frustration and joy because of her. None of these would have happened if I did not love her in the first place.

I admit and do not deny that I have dreamt of her on several occasions, all were sweet and comforting dreams. I had dreams of taking care of her, dreams of being by her side, dreams of seeing her smile and dreams of growing up with her. All of them actually came true for me, except for one, and before that dream came true, everything came crashing down.

All those dreams were similar…they were all positive but… two nights ago, it was different.

Dressed in black. 

I don’t know why and I don’t know how but I dreamt of …. hurting her. There were several scenes. One scene was when I slapped her or something for some reason which I can’t remember (because it was a dream). The other scene was a little longer.

I was in some open-balcony and not too far away from a place where an event was going on. It was some sort of costume event or rather anime convention. I saw two random students holding guns in their hands. It wasn’t an actual gun, it was those ‘pellet guns’ or ‘air rifles’ and they had pretty huge one.  Needless to say, I ignored them and climbed out of the balcony to the roof. Then, I placed the container which was slinging across my shoulder and started unloading what was inside it. It was a sniper, a really long and huge one too. It had a stand to it, and I used the scope to spy on the event which was going on nearby. In my dream, I saw her standing about the place through the scope of my sniper.

Quiet but deadly. 

As silent as the night in a deserted town, *bang*. I shot her neck. She flinched and quickly placed her hands to her neck. I shot again and again till she ran for cover. Lying on the roof, I quickly stood up, grabbed my sniper and ran in pursuit of her. Locking my eyes on her, I did not let her escape my sight so I could hurt her endlessly.

In reality, right now, I do not hate her at all. She is my friend, she is my classmate and she is just another ordinary girl. I loved her and I got hurt by her. I suffer, I cry, I forgive and I try to move on with neutral feelings towards her. Then why is it that I dreamt of hurting her and felt the desire to hurt her when I was dreaming?

     Honestly, I do not hate her. In fact, I have not gotten over her yet. I am trying to though. She once said she’d rather I hate her then be nice to her. Well, I should congratulate her, unintentionally and subconsciously, she made me hate her.

I am a bad person after all, I love her so much till I hate her from deep beneath my heart.

Unexpected Encounter.

09/08/2013 – Friday                                                                           

     Unexpected encounter, this was really unexpected for me.

I woke up early this morning to fulfill my promise. I wanted to craft something for my cousin’s very belated birthday gift. It was supposed to be a cup of Starbucks but somehow it ended up being a homemade gift. I didn’t expect that we would meet again so soon but oh well, guess being late than never is alright for me. I went straight to work after my cup of protein shake. I had to measure the wood, saw it into smaller piece and then craft it with a short blade. I made it just in time to meet up with my cousins in Midvalley.

     I drove to Midvalley with my family. 

     My aunt managed to get a one-day free trial for Celebrity Fitness in Midvalley (since her family is members of it). It was quite spacious but the machines weren’t anything special and it was somewhat crowded for me. The toilets and bathrooms aren’t as good as my gym’s (Fitness First in Summit), the lockers are not so convenient and they don’t provide free drinks. I still prefer the gym I go to then.  The best thing about Celebrity Fitness in Midvalley for me would probably be the swimming pool and oh my gosh, I haven’t swim since I was approximately 9 years old. I’m 17 now so it has been 8 years since I’ve been in a swimming pool!

      Anyways, after gym I went for lunch at Food Junction. Chit chat with my aunt, tease my cousin a little and moved on until… that is when it happened. I saw her. It was definitely an unexpected encounter for me.

     I didn’t notice her at first while I was walking but for no reason (I have no idea why), I just turned my head to the left and saw her. She was standing or rather resting her back by the wall while fiddling with her phone. We were just about 5 meters far. I saw my other seniors standing while chatting but she was just there engrossed with her phone. I quickly swooped to a corner (not too far from where she was standing), I texted her ‘long time no see’ to test her reaction but as predicted, she simply ignored me. She could have changed her number but I’m guessing she just ignored it.

     As lucky as it was for me (not so lucky for her), she came to a somewhat bench...(it wasn’t a proper bench so I called it ‘somewhat bench), and sat directly across to me. She was just sitting parallel to where I was standing, practically looking at me. It took her about 10 seconds to realize that I was standing there. “Damn, I suddenly feel like a stalker.” Anyways, for a few seconds, our eyes met. Once again, I don’t know why, I just shook my head in disappointment while looking at her. She quickly avoided eye contact after that and treat as if she has just seen another stranger staring at her.

I wanted to talk to her but I respect her decision, if she’s going to treat me that way, then so will I. I’m not ready to meet her yet, not till I’ve achieved my goal, not till I’ve surpassed her, not till I’ve lived my dream of being on the same platform as she is.

     I acted like any other passer-by, walking with a phone to my ear (I was actually calling my other senior whom I’ve not seen for half a year though sadly, he didn’t pick up) and moved on without another word. The feeling was…sadness and disappointment. I was hurt by the reaction she gave me but I deserved it, I deserved being treated like a stranger by her. I deserved being hated but she was kind enough not to hate me, she just ignored me. I felt happy yet sad because I got to see her once again but got treated like a stranger.

I managed to save my favourite picture of her in my computer. Only two people have pictures in my contact list. Her and her best friend.  

She was wearing the same shirt since the last time I went out with her (I think, it looks the same). She is the girl with specs. She is special. She understands me. She is my senior. She is my precious friend. She is my motivation to succeed. She is a girl I treasure. She is Li Hung. 

I miss you and it was nice seeing you again.