Short Post : Nostalgic

13/07/2013 – Saturday

     It feels so nostalgic chatting with her once again. No voice and no face to face encounter but just simple words and sentences shared through the phone. I can’t believe, I’ve gotten over the girl I once loved madly without noticing.

     The days when I long to be with her, the days I’ve gone through certain lengths to get to her and the days I cried when I was away from her… They all became nothing but memories to me right now. Those intense feelings I had for 2 years have disappeared without a trace or rather…it just neutralized into something mutual known as ‘friendship’.

    How?

Maybe my friend was right, she told me “The only way to get over someone is to fall for another”. In the process of getting over her, I did ‘fall’ for another… One year passed, so many things have changed and so many events have occurred. My intense feelings for her are gone because of someone new whom I gave my heart to. Although, my intense feelings for that someone new is too, fading away…becoming the same to how I feel towards her…   

How funny, how nostalgic… 

Will this be an unending cycle for me? 

Bittersweet Memories

02/07/2013 – Tuesday

     How many years has it been since we had a friendly conversation by the table in the Prefect room about your house’s address?
    

     Do you remember when you sprayed water at me with a water gun behind/beside the school’s stage during Kem Ketua Kelas? I wasn’t being emo then, I just didn’t want to look like a fool in front of you. After all, I’ve always been a fool, even till now. I wanted to play with you, splash you back and mess with your hair but I didn't. So I just ended up sitting there staring at you as you spray spray, waiting for reaction. 

     I miss the days when we texted day and night. You was on holiday waiting for your next phase of life while I’ve just started my high school life. I miss Skyping with you till late night, miss the days you comfort and accompany me when I was facing dengue fever. I treasure the days when you share your stories with me, it made me feel like I’m part of your life and you trust me.  I know it’s ridiculous, I know it sounds childish and I know it’s deserved to get a ‘so?’ for a reply but I miss everything about you. Won’t you please at least clear my confusions of your silent absence?    

The silly things I do~

     My sweetest memory with you was on 10/06/2012. It was our first time going out together. Ice skating, archery, had the miserable plate of pasta and watch Snow White and the Huntsman together. I remember, parts and partial of it but sadly not in detailed. In the bus, I was left speechless because looking at you, recalled the bitter memories of my regret. The saddest memory for that day was when you went home without even glancing back once. I stood there waiting for you to enter the house before leaving.  

     Where did you go? What does it mean? Did I unintentionally break a promise? Why? Please answer me and not brush me off like a stranger.

I’m lost.

It’s cold.

Why?

 I forgot to ask…

Li Hung…how are you? J

Accident add 10 days ==...

8th October 1994

28/06/2013 – Friday

     8^th October 1994… Why wasn’t I born in the same year as her or the not so distant years before her birth?  It has been weeks since I’ve last contacted her with only a few sentences of little words. The mystery of what happened between her kept me in a bind for months and even now, I’m still pondering of what wrong I have done.

     We’re 2 years apart and I’m the younger party. She used to treat me like a little boy and she probably thinks of me as one too. Due to that treatment, I feel like a little boy trying to chase after his elder sister who is at a much further point in life. Is 2 years really that huge of a difference? It could be a maybe but it could also be a maybe not.

     The last time we’ve actually spoken to each other was about… 4 months ago. :/ In within the 4 months, so many changes and events have taken place. Unexpected events such as…I’ve somewhat gotten together with a girl whom I’ve liked and probably in love with since a year ago. It wasn’t just like a ‘dream come true’ but it was a ‘dream come true’ to me. Everything seemed so perfect, my life feels so complete and my dream to protect ‘her’ in the future came alive again.  Sadly, everything came crashing down as I ruined everything. My life became meaningless once again.

     I blamed myself. I blamed ‘her’. I blamed everyone around me. I was so lost. I was so confused.

I want the only girl that understands me to comfort me but…she’s not even with me anymore. She is busy living her life while I am busy cursing mine. My ‘dream girl’ wasn’t someone who could understand me and I guess we’re not meant to be. I miss her. I miss the girl who is 2 years older than me. She understands me in a way. I feel comfortable being with her, I feel safe…  I could have endless conversation with her but she’s normally busy, so I wouldn’t dare to. I need her to keep my sanity intact but yet… I made her left without a word and yet I don’t know what I did wrong…

     There are times when I wonder in my mind, does she even think of me or is she too busy with her own life? Am I a stranger, a friend or a brother to her? Do I still exist to her?  I think of her occasionally, cherishing my memories of and with her. Only 4 months have passed and yet I felt like it has been years…

     “You only appreciate someone when they are gone.”

Based on your opinion, what do you think of that phrase?

Foolish, is what I am. Every time when I’m depressed and lost, I would seek for her comfort. Forgetting to appreciate, I just move on with my life without remembering who gave me the strength to stand once again. I’m sorry for all I’ve done wrong to you, I’m sorry for troubling you all the time and I’m sorry for being a useless ‘little boy’.

If you ever read this, you know who you are.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be a stranger to you, at least be my friend, be my senior…

I need you.

Passion for Riding

05/06/2013 – Wednesday

     What do you do when you want to get something off your mind? You want to free yourself from all your frustration and overthinking. Some of us would scream our lungs out at the top of some random hill, some of us will drink to our heart’s content till we’re so drunk that we forgot our own names and some of us would just sleep through our problems. In my case, I ride to my heart’s content on a powerful two wheeled vehicle known as superbikes.

     I became a rider when I was 16 which is last year. I was supposed to be a normal motorcycle rider but I end up qualifying as a superbike rider. Strangely, the superbike in the driving institute was much simpler to control than the lower grade motorcycles. My dad is also a rider and his hobby is also riding a superbike, well, at least I know where this passion for riding of mine came from. Unlike my personality that I not know of, riding is something I enjoy. I don’t actually race at top speed on the road but I do go a certain amount of speed that is enough to satisfy my adrenaline needs.

     Gearing up, riding on the road, beating the cars and feeling the wind beating on me, riding is so much more thrilling than that. It trains your precision, it raises your awareness and it boost your confidence because as every single second when you’re riding, your life is already on the line. One wrong move, either from you or from others and you are dead or at least seriously injured. In cases of emergencies, you only have seconds to react. Compared to cars, when a car crashes, the car blows up first then you die but when you’re a rider, you die first.

        I am just an inexperienced rider but I do love riding as it is somewhat my hobby. Everyday being on the road is like practicing to me. My superbike is not just another mode of transport to me, he is my friend, my best friend in fact. He brings me from destination to destination, he gives me excitement and he comforts me when I’m on the verge of breaking down. Through riding, I’ve met friends along the way that shares the same passion, although, their passion for riding is even stronger than mine. I’m a casual rider but they are racers, not legal racers though. I tend to play safe and live a safer life but they go extreme, risking their lives at another level. 

     My dad is an international racer. Riding at 200km/h from country to country, I seriously wonder how an old man like him still manages that. He was the one who first introduced me to riding. When I was a kid, he used to ride me around my housing area in his low grade motorcycle when he had time. My parents split the cash to buy my own motorcycle but soon my dad pass his superbike over to me and now, I ride side by side with my dad. Like father like son, how amusing this phrase seem to me right now.

     “Watch out dad, I am taking over your legacy and also going to surpass your achievements.”

He maybe a douche bag and looks down on me all the time but he is still my dad. Despite that, I think he is proud of me because he always introduces me as ‘his son’ to others. He would always go “This is my son.” He rarely uses my name when he introduces me.

     Anyways, do you fear death? Well, I think almost everyone does at some part of their lives. You may not notice this but all the motorcycle and superbike riders you see on the road, we’re risking our lives every single day we get on that 2 wheeled vehicle even when we fear death.

Uncontrollable.

15/05/2013 – Wednesday

     Disappointment. How would you define it? I would probably define it as getting your hopes up then it gets crushed in the end. Everyone has their disappointments at some part of their lives and I’m no different because after all, I am human too.

    “Have you ever encountered a situation something like this?”

You want ‘something’ and someone with that ‘something’ is pointing at your direction but…. The person wasn't pointing at you, he/she is pointing at someone else near you or around you. You first get your hopes up because you thought it was you then your hopes get crushed because it wasn't you. Then slowly you realize that the ‘something’ just wasn’t meant for you and you start hoping for ‘something’ else instead.

     I guess that’s not something extraordinary for most of us but what if… you couldn’t find anything else worth hoping for? You keep on hoping for that ‘something’ which you already realize it wasn’t meant for you. You gave up hope and went to search for something better but in the end, you came back hoping for that same ‘something’.

     “What would you do? How would you feel?’

     I can’t control how I feel. I want to but I just can’t. If I could control my feelings, I wouldn’t be human, I would be a robot instead but somehow, it doesn’t seem so bad being a robot right now. Click a button and I’m happy, click another button and I’m sad. Click this and I want this, click that and I want that. Isn’t life so much better if you can control yourself?  You won’t feel happy because of false hope, you won’t feel sad because of crushed hope and you won’t feel angry because you hate how you feel.   

     Am I really cold-hearted? Then why is it that I get upset over all these little details? Each and every detail, big or small details, they matter to me. If I am cold-hearted, I wouldn’t be bothered with this at all.  Every time when things seem to be going swell for me, it suddenly goes wrong when the truth is revealed. I try, I get my hopes up and I got happy. Then when reality hits me, I get my hopes crushed and I start to hate myself for feeling that way.

     The same old story is happening over and over again. Going through the story once is bad enough, you learn your lesson and you move on but going through the story over and over again. I feel like an idiot, I learnt my painful lesson over and over again but why can’t I just move on already? I end up forcing myself to look for comfort from some other girls.

     I’m like such a stubborn kitty. I do something, get myself hurt, lick my own wounds and do the same thing again then get myself hurt again.

    Reading back text messages is enough to make me smile. :x 

     I feel like I’ve known her since the beginning. I feel like we’ve known each other since the start of secondary school but I keep forgetting that I’m just an invisible passer-by trying to make myself visible along her way. What happened in her past, I wasn’t there to see it. I couldn’t do what others did few years back because she didn’t even know that I existed and likewise, I didn’t even know she existed.

Btw, I rather be your friend than your brother. :o ….Hmph...>:( I don’t want later my mei mei jealous coz I got another mei mei. :3 :P

Guilty Me

02/05/2013 – Thursday

     Why am I so guilty? I become guilty when it comes to her.

I become selfish and I get jealous easily but why should I be? I hate feeling guilty for the things I do when I don’t even know why I’m acting that way.

     I adore my princess and I would do anything to keep her happy. That’s a good thing for me but then…why do I feel guilty? Why is that I feel some sort of sorrow inside me even when she is happy?

     Everytime when I mention ‘my princess’ to someone else, they’ll just look at me with a raised eyebrow and naturally ask me who the girl is. It’s my secret, so whenever I talk of her in an unknown manner, I’ll just call her ‘my princess’. Why do I do that? I don’t know why either.

     I want to protect her and I would do anything for her but what comes after that? I don’t realize it but why am making all these efforts for?  What do I get at the end of the day?

     I love seeing her cute sour face whenever I pat her head, I feel relieved every time I see her in school and I feel happy every time I see her smile. I try my best to comfort her when she’s sick but I feel like I’m just a burden bothering her rest.

     The problem with me is, I only know how to make girls cry and not smile. Should I even be with her if I’m just going to cause her more sorrow when I want her to be happy?

     I won't abandon you even if you told me to! 

 When she’s sick, I’m powerless most of the time. I would think of her all day and get worried till I’m sick myself but so what? Would that help her recover? No! I hate not being to do anything for her! When she’s sad, I just don’t know how to cheer her up. What’s the point of calling her ‘my princess’ when I couldn’t even do a damn thing for her?

     Why don’t I know my place…? She may be my princess but I’m not her prince. Why is it that I get jealous when other guys get close to her? Why is it that I always want more of her attention? Why is it that I hate feeling distant from her? Why do I want her to share more of her life with me? We barely even talk and yet I expect so many things from her. Why, why and why, it’s seems to be my favourite question.  

     I don’t want to make things life any harder for her. I don’t want to complicate her life any more than it already is. I don’t want these questions and feelings of mine to break free from me because her smile is precious to me and I don’t ever want to see her sad.

I have limits, it's just that you don't see it.

I don’t know what I want and I don’t know why I expect things from her when I’m not supposed to

but…..

I’m weak too... I get sick too… and I get sad too…

Have you ever thought how I would feel?

Where are you when I want you by my side?