8th October 1994

28/06/2013 – Friday

     8^th October 1994… Why wasn’t I born in the same year as her or the not so distant years before her birth?  It has been weeks since I’ve last contacted her with only a few sentences of little words. The mystery of what happened between her kept me in a bind for months and even now, I’m still pondering of what wrong I have done.

     We’re 2 years apart and I’m the younger party. She used to treat me like a little boy and she probably thinks of me as one too. Due to that treatment, I feel like a little boy trying to chase after his elder sister who is at a much further point in life. Is 2 years really that huge of a difference? It could be a maybe but it could also be a maybe not.

     The last time we’ve actually spoken to each other was about… 4 months ago. :/ In within the 4 months, so many changes and events have taken place. Unexpected events such as…I’ve somewhat gotten together with a girl whom I’ve liked and probably in love with since a year ago. It wasn’t just like a ‘dream come true’ but it was a ‘dream come true’ to me. Everything seemed so perfect, my life feels so complete and my dream to protect ‘her’ in the future came alive again.  Sadly, everything came crashing down as I ruined everything. My life became meaningless once again.

     I blamed myself. I blamed ‘her’. I blamed everyone around me. I was so lost. I was so confused.

I want the only girl that understands me to comfort me but…she’s not even with me anymore. She is busy living her life while I am busy cursing mine. My ‘dream girl’ wasn’t someone who could understand me and I guess we’re not meant to be. I miss her. I miss the girl who is 2 years older than me. She understands me in a way. I feel comfortable being with her, I feel safe…  I could have endless conversation with her but she’s normally busy, so I wouldn’t dare to. I need her to keep my sanity intact but yet… I made her left without a word and yet I don’t know what I did wrong…

     There are times when I wonder in my mind, does she even think of me or is she too busy with her own life? Am I a stranger, a friend or a brother to her? Do I still exist to her?  I think of her occasionally, cherishing my memories of and with her. Only 4 months have passed and yet I felt like it has been years…

     “You only appreciate someone when they are gone.”

Based on your opinion, what do you think of that phrase?

Foolish, is what I am. Every time when I’m depressed and lost, I would seek for her comfort. Forgetting to appreciate, I just move on with my life without remembering who gave me the strength to stand once again. I’m sorry for all I’ve done wrong to you, I’m sorry for troubling you all the time and I’m sorry for being a useless ‘little boy’.

If you ever read this, you know who you are.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be a stranger to you, at least be my friend, be my senior…

I need you.