Test My Will

     It’s such a sad day for me today… Everything is just so emo-related… Everything that happened today and every thought that’s in my mind makes me feel depressed.  My will to stay strong and continue smiling to the world is being tested today and I am doing very well but in a wrong way. Here I am, once again, voicing out my share of despair.

A song she used to like. 

     The class that I am currently studying in right now…. The left window is facing directly to the road and across that road is where our memories were made. It was memories of the once called ‘my perfect girl’ and I.  In the midst of studying, I gazed out of the window and all the memories of her poured into my mind. Filling every space and gap in my mind, my mind was occupied by her…

Looking through those window panes, I can visualize my memories and make it seemingly come alive… There she was walking along those sidelines, walking into that area… ‘SP C6’… Every single time, I rode my bike past her…As I watch her walk home alone, I can feel my heart being dipped into water and drowned by anguish…

     My mind drifts deeper into my memories and I could remember myself carrying her to bed. I could literally imagine myself walking her home, eating with her, mopping her house, playing with her dogs, laughing with her, watching anime with her, watching her as she’s asleep or in pain, and just spending hours doing nothing while sitting next to her. I hated doing nothing but when I was with her, it was something I enjoyed the most. Although, all those images of my sweet memories suddenly turns pitch black and reality slams me in the face.

It was telling me “Welcome back to reality, it was only just a dream.”

Every single day I thought of her. Every single minute of my life, a part of me would be thinking of her. I was so obsessed with her. I was so blind.

Damn, whatever, back to my studies. I look forward to seek what lies ahead of me. I am sure there will be a better future for me. She has changed anyways, she isn’t who she was anymore because right now, she’s just like any other girl. Normal and boring.

This afternoon, two more events struck me. I went to Asia Jaya to pay some bills or policies related to insurance and when I go to Asia Jaya, my senior would be the first one to pop into my mind. Forget about it, I’ve had enough of talking about her.

Something my junior made for me.

Once I got home, I found out that my junior whom I am very close with, finally found someone she likes. She’s in a relationship. I tried to keep my cool and stay calmed but somewhere inside me was trembling with anxiety. I don’t know why I felt this way but I just did. All this while, I shared practically everything with her but now, things have changed. I can’t treat her the way I used to treat her anymore.  Things have changed, I should have expected this to happen sooner or later, accept it and move on.

I too have graduated with friends from different school.

     My short moment of anxiety was soon overcome by the sorrow I felt as I look at my previous school friends’ graduation pictures. My beloved friends whom I have been together with for 3 years and my beloved school which I thought I was supposed to graduate from there, graduation happened and I was not in it. My friends graduated in that school together while I graduated in a different school. I feel so happy because I could see the smiles on their faces brimming so brightly but at the same time, I could feel tears blurring my eyes. They are sad to be separating soon but I am sad to be separated from them for 2 years already.

     All I can do now is dream big and fight for those big dreams. It is my only motivation left for now so, I look ahead for what awaits me in the future. I am eager and I hunger for what’s about to come. 

Go Forth.

19/10/2013 – Thursday

     The end of this year….is getting closer and closer… I have one huge obstacle to conquer before I can let go of all these weights that are dragging me. SPM (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia), it’s somewhat the most important exam for all the students who are currently in Form 5. I too am a candidate for this war that is closing in and it will lead a very heavy impact on my future.

     This would be my final year studying in a government school which means, I’m finally graduating after 11 years of government education since kindergarten. It feels strange, this life I had felt like a never ending cycle but after a decade of struggle, I see freedom to a whole new world. A whole new life worth of new experiences awaits me. I am having mixed feelings about this.

     Stepping out from the familiar to the unfamiliar, it’s a very scary thought, isn’t it? This year has been yet another long and harsh journey for me. I’ve learnt so much, I’ve gained so much and I’ve lost so much. All that is gained would be treasured and brought forth. Likeswise, all I’ve lost would be just left behind as memories to be forgotten soon.               

     I am curious and anxious for what would happen next year but at the same time…I’m so excited to face what challenges are ahead of me.

It has been months since I’ve been heartbroken, over and over again. I thank everyone who broke me apart and shattered my dreams because you wake me from my day dreams to fight my dreams in reality.

I now have new hopes, new dreams and refreshed determination to go forth in pursuing my life’s desired achievements. Thanks. :3

 Heh, two years worth of random memories (blue book), what stories would the new book bring? :3 

One day, I would open the book again to laugh and cry about my memories in the past, when will be the day? :)

Hypocrites.

10/10/2013 – Thursday

     I completely wasted my whole week till Tuesday, which was two days ago. Once again, I did something meaningless on my own by my own will. I seriously need to learn from my mistakes but my stubborn heart just won’t listen to my logically rational brain. They need to work together so I wouldn’t feel like a piece of shit.

    I was aware that our relationship was strictly ‘strangers’. Nevertheless, I still made an effort to surprise her for her birthday (even when she never asked for it). I tried making a star out of wood…yeah…that didn’t work out.. made several attempts with several type of wood…It was frustrating when it kept breaking. In the end, I gave up and went with something simpler. There were some other things too that went with that gift but they’re too worthless to be mentioned.

Anyways, I also made a video of me playing piano for her. The video was so embarrassingly lousy but it took me hours and days of practice to reach that stage, *sigh*…I really suck when it comes to music.

     All have said but everything I did was just a useless gift. I had to plead my senior for help because I couldn’t even face her. I followed my heart and did what I felt like doing but in the end, it was meaningless. I shouldn't have done it in the first place because it brings grief instead of joy. I delude myself and hope for a fairy tale to happen but I got reality instead. It was my own fault that this happened, because I was being irrational. Moral of the story (for me anyways), don’t bother doing so much for someone else, you won’t be appreciated until you’re dead or something like that.

     There’s this phrase that’s been floating around recently “The more you care for others, the more you’ll get hurt.” So, don’t care then you won't get hurt but this is why this world is now so heartless. When you're kind to others, they take advantage of your kindness and when you don't care for others, they will despise you. Everyone is selfish, everyone only cares for themselves, we watch someone die in front of us and say “so what?” yet so many of us dare to complain about others being heartless. 

“Why are you so selfish? Why do you care about yourself only? Don’t you have a heart?”

Hypocrites, aren’t you the ones who made us like this? The ones who didn’t care in the beginning wouldn’t bother till the end. The ones who did care, was hurt by the likes of hypocrites and wouldn’t save another soul yet they are to be blamed. The less we care, the better. This is how our world is and this will be the reason why our world will deteriorate in the future.

For the people around me, they say I’m scary, they say I’m rude and they say I’m cold-hearted.

Look at yourselves, are you any better?

Blame me for being such a cold and scary person, blame you for being hypocrites.

Peace Out.