The Least Promising

24/11/2013 – Sunday

     I’ve started studying since I was 4 and now I’m 17. So, I’ve been in the education life for 13 years and counting. Every single year, all I face are books, assignments, teachers and anything related to education. My parents have been pressuring my sisters and I throughout our lives. They always expect a lot out from us not only because of our future but also their own pride as parents. 

     I would be their last child who would be finishing his SPM soon.  My dad supported my eldest sister’s education from A-Levels up to her degree. She’s still studying in degree though while he supported my second sister up to A-Levels because she managed to achieve full scholarship for degree herself.

     Last but not least, he refused to support my further education. “Wait… what?” My dad has the biggest income in the whole family. My mom has salary from her job too but that’s not a lot. Anyways, it’s not like he couldn’t support my college funds but it’s just that he doesn’t want to. “Da fug? You pressured me for 13 years in this shitty education which was FREE because it is being paid by the government and now you decided to back out at the most crucial time of my life?!”

I’ve never liked studying because it’s such a bore but when I finally wanted to study seriously for my future, you refuse?

     I got 2 words for you. “Fuck you.” If you don’t want to support me through college, I can live with that. It may be a little reckless and harsh if I was to start my permanent career now but I can do it. I’ll just use everything I’ve gained till now and work my ass off to earn a living in my future. I will lose whatever pride I have, working all sorts of odd jobs. Jobs with low income, jobs which are looked down by others and jobs nobody wants. I don’t give a fuck, if I’m given a chance to succeed, be it going for further studies or not, I’ll take that chance and succeed.

     I’ve been a surprise to my parents all my life. In fact, my existence is already a surprise.  My father wanted a son after he has gotten two daughters and behold, his third and last child is me. You wanted a son and you got it but now you’re just going to do whatever you like just because you’re fucked up? Go ahead, see if I care, I’m old enough to take care of myself anyways. It may be a tough life but I’ll still be able to endure living it.

     If I’m not successful, then fine. I’ll just live a sad life or I’ll just kill myself but If I live to be successful one day, don’t fucking bother looking for me when you need help because I’d be long gone and be disappeared in the shadows of your world.     

     At least, my mom is still supporting me. She’d save as much as she can to get me through college and university. I feel sorry for her as I understand how she feels with money. I’m quite reluctant to follow the circle of life now. Go kindergarten > Go school > Go College > Go University > Get a job. I don’t want my mom to suffer all this anymore. I’m not that keen to education so scholarships are a ‘no go’ for me. Oh well, I’ll just let God decide how my fates go. Time is short, my future will be decided starting from next year. 

Countdown : 10 Days Ahead

22/11/2013 – Friday

     I am at the end of my 3^rd week of SPM examination. All the stressful subjects are completed! I still have to sit for two more subjects (2 more weeks) and that will be the end of my high-school examinations! This has been a suffering week for me. I had to struggle against my stress during exams to avoid ‘Panic Attacks’ while tackling examinations. Initially, I thought I’m about to lose my mind and go insane. I visited a doctor to check what’s up. Apparently, ‘panic attacks’ are common for students and working adults.

     I have developed a fear for exams during my previous papers. It has never happened before, but it’s happening at the worst time. I get anxious whenever I’m in the exam room. This week was smoother for me because I went on medication and I used some tricks to calm myself down. At least, it wasn’t so bad.

     “Lately, I’ve been thinking of you. Can’t you feel that someone is… thinking of you, lately?~” ^^

Anyways, for these past 2 weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Day and night, almost every minute of my life, I think of her. The feeling is like when I first fell in love with her. It’s a sweet pleasurable feeling compared to being mad at her and hating her. This feeling is so sincere, it’s so soft and it’s so pleasant. It’s just 10 more days before our separation, so I try to make the best out of it. I guess I’m trying to end this story and let it go in a nice manner instead of a hateful ending.

     Honestly, this ‘love’ I have for her that lasted almost two years. It is a great and wonderful experience. Sure, I’ve been hurt very badly and she drives me crazy of frustration at times, but all this helped me to grow. She taught me how to endure, she taught me how to overcome hatred with love, she taught me how to be positive and so many more. She never actually taught me anything but all the experiences I had with her, they are lessons that I’ve learned unintentionally.  

     I had sweet memories with her such as walking her home daily, watching her smile, carrying her while we laugh together, cuddling her from her back as she lean on me and so on.  Bitter memories, they become my lessons. Although I hate them, but I still have to learn them. They teach me how to overcome problems that I will face in the future.

     The day when our story really ends is drawing near. We don’t have to meet each other anymore and we won’t ever have to cross paths again. I don’t even have anything to keep as memories because we never took pictures together, she never gives me anything and whatsoever, so her existence pretty much dissolves as we separate. She lives her life and I live mine. In the future, I might totally forget about her, remember her but bear no feelings towards her or I’ll love her for the rest of my life.

     I don’t know what will happen to me but when I enter college, I’ll have a new story to tell. She will too, but then, that’s her story…which means, it’s none of my business anymore. J

What An Experience!

13/11/2013 – Wednesday

     What an interesting day it was today. Well this is the second week of SPM and it would be one of my toughest exam week to tackle. History and accounts, what a remarkable combo they make indeed. Not only that, the first day would be hell for us. History Paper 1 which consists of objective questions lasted for an hour which would be 8AM-9AM.  History Paper 2 which consists of structural and essay questions later on continued from 10AM-12.30PM. We get an hour for lunch break before heading back for Accounts Paper 2 which consists of subjective questions (We need to be in the exam room 20 minutes before it starts).

     Honestly, History exam went quite smoothly for me. The objective questions weren’t that hard and the subjective questions were favorable…enough for me. Although, I did seriously bad for Accounts Paper 2. Oh my…It suddenly feels like Add Maths and how does Add Maths feels to me? I pretty much blank out most of the questions. So yeah, more empty questions than answered questions. The funniest things is….30 minutes before the exam ended, I froze.

     I literally froze on the spot… All my nerves suddenly stopped working. My legs, feet, fingers and brain were stunned. My head felt so horribly dizzy that I can just collapse on the spot. I fought on with my will… I closed my eyes and tried my best to breathe deeply.

     Stress consumed me. I was overly emotionally stressed till this happens. It was so painful and tiring to not black out. It felt as if something was banging my head really aggressively, forcing me to be knocked out. My fingers were stunned in a curving upright position, I had to literally use my other hand to move it back into place… My nerves lost control, I couldn’t control my body even when I wanted to… :/ It took me about 30 minutes to recover from ‘trying not to faint’. The examiners gave me extra time to complete my exam but I couldn’t do it anyways, my mind was too dizzy to think of anything at all.   

     The feeling was like during my accident when it happened… Although, everything happened too fast that time,so it was just a short while and I blacked out but this time, it was different…. The feeling gradually grew till it was so heavy for me to resist.  I was tempted to give up and just let it consume me, maybe I should have done that because I didn’t do anything with my exam paper after I recovered anyways. This immense feeling, it was so intense that what an experience it is for me because I’ve never been in such a long battle with stress before.

     Anyways, my dad fetched me after school even when I drove here by myself but I guess I wasn’t in any good condition to drive. Oh my cat, what a horrible mistake I made. He nagged me non-stop just as I got in the car. I just went through such a frickishly stressful moment and here he is nagging me endlessly even when I begged him to shut up. Gave up, I just jumped off the car and went home on my home. I ran as fast as I could and screamed, ignoring the passing cars just to rant out my frustration even when my mind was in a daze.

A student wearing his uniform (with necktie and stuff) while running and shouting, madly?  Go figure. 

First Week of SPM

08/11/2013 – Friday

     *Phew* First week of SPM which consists of Malay and English subjects just ended, which means I have 7 subjects remaining to tackle. It went fine, wasn’t too hard, wasn’t too easy because it felt moderate to me but then again, who knows how my results would look like.  I still have approximately 4 more weeks of examination to go… It is one month over there… Then why do I feel so abnormally relaxed? O.o

     I don’t feel tensed at all and that is worrisome for me. My target for SPM is nothing spectacular, in fact, it’s quite the opposite really. My lifestyle is a little different from usual, I sleep so early, I wake up so early and I don’t on my computer as much as I usually do (very less people to chat with on Facebook). Anyways, I’m so excited to end this exam quickly, just get it over with and get out of school. Hopefully, time would do me a favour and pass by really quickly like how it usually does when I’m having a good time.

     It’s my most important exam season (so far) and gosh…why are all these unnecessary thoughts/memories flooding into my mind again. I can’t stop thinkin……. Nevermind, it doesn’t matter anymore anyways. It’s just 1 more month and I can have a new start. Make new friends, learn new things, cope with a totally new lifestyle and maybe, become ‘not so single’ anymore. Oh well, I’ll might probably be single all the way too, so it’s not for me to decide.

     Lastly, happy anniversary, Cold… Few more months and it’ll be your second year of foolishly loving her. (Talking to myself)

*sigh* What kind of pitiful excuse of a human, am I… ==

Shout out before the War! ^^

The time has come to stand for all we’ve fought for. The final year exam, SPM, for the Form 5 is about to initiate tomorrow! The time for us to show our potentials and prove ourselves is finally here!

     We’ve been through more than 10 years of education preparing ourselves for this major examination. This is would be the start for us to create our own future.

Cast away your anxieties, be confident and go forth with all you have. Apply everything you’ve learned and never give up! No matter how hard it may seem, do not falter because you never know how you may achieve something if you tried but you’re sure to fail if you never even tried!

Good luck, SPM students!

(Including me) ^^