Uncontrollable.

15/05/2013 – Wednesday

     Disappointment. How would you define it? I would probably define it as getting your hopes up then it gets crushed in the end. Everyone has their disappointments at some part of their lives and I’m no different because after all, I am human too.

    “Have you ever encountered a situation something like this?”

You want ‘something’ and someone with that ‘something’ is pointing at your direction but…. The person wasn't pointing at you, he/she is pointing at someone else near you or around you. You first get your hopes up because you thought it was you then your hopes get crushed because it wasn't you. Then slowly you realize that the ‘something’ just wasn’t meant for you and you start hoping for ‘something’ else instead.

     I guess that’s not something extraordinary for most of us but what if… you couldn’t find anything else worth hoping for? You keep on hoping for that ‘something’ which you already realize it wasn’t meant for you. You gave up hope and went to search for something better but in the end, you came back hoping for that same ‘something’.

     “What would you do? How would you feel?’

     I can’t control how I feel. I want to but I just can’t. If I could control my feelings, I wouldn’t be human, I would be a robot instead but somehow, it doesn’t seem so bad being a robot right now. Click a button and I’m happy, click another button and I’m sad. Click this and I want this, click that and I want that. Isn’t life so much better if you can control yourself?  You won’t feel happy because of false hope, you won’t feel sad because of crushed hope and you won’t feel angry because you hate how you feel.   

     Am I really cold-hearted? Then why is it that I get upset over all these little details? Each and every detail, big or small details, they matter to me. If I am cold-hearted, I wouldn’t be bothered with this at all.  Every time when things seem to be going swell for me, it suddenly goes wrong when the truth is revealed. I try, I get my hopes up and I got happy. Then when reality hits me, I get my hopes crushed and I start to hate myself for feeling that way.

     The same old story is happening over and over again. Going through the story once is bad enough, you learn your lesson and you move on but going through the story over and over again. I feel like an idiot, I learnt my painful lesson over and over again but why can’t I just move on already? I end up forcing myself to look for comfort from some other girls.

     I’m like such a stubborn kitty. I do something, get myself hurt, lick my own wounds and do the same thing again then get myself hurt again.

    Reading back text messages is enough to make me smile. :x 

     I feel like I’ve known her since the beginning. I feel like we’ve known each other since the start of secondary school but I keep forgetting that I’m just an invisible passer-by trying to make myself visible along her way. What happened in her past, I wasn’t there to see it. I couldn’t do what others did few years back because she didn’t even know that I existed and likewise, I didn’t even know she existed.

Btw, I rather be your friend than your brother. :o ….Hmph...>:( I don’t want later my mei mei jealous coz I got another mei mei. :3 :P