Guilty Me

02/05/2013 – Thursday

     Why am I so guilty? I become guilty when it comes to her.

I become selfish and I get jealous easily but why should I be? I hate feeling guilty for the things I do when I don’t even know why I’m acting that way.

     I adore my princess and I would do anything to keep her happy. That’s a good thing for me but then…why do I feel guilty? Why is that I feel some sort of sorrow inside me even when she is happy?

     Everytime when I mention ‘my princess’ to someone else, they’ll just look at me with a raised eyebrow and naturally ask me who the girl is. It’s my secret, so whenever I talk of her in an unknown manner, I’ll just call her ‘my princess’. Why do I do that? I don’t know why either.

     I want to protect her and I would do anything for her but what comes after that? I don’t realize it but why am making all these efforts for?  What do I get at the end of the day?

     I love seeing her cute sour face whenever I pat her head, I feel relieved every time I see her in school and I feel happy every time I see her smile. I try my best to comfort her when she’s sick but I feel like I’m just a burden bothering her rest.

     The problem with me is, I only know how to make girls cry and not smile. Should I even be with her if I’m just going to cause her more sorrow when I want her to be happy?

     I won't abandon you even if you told me to! 

 When she’s sick, I’m powerless most of the time. I would think of her all day and get worried till I’m sick myself but so what? Would that help her recover? No! I hate not being to do anything for her! When she’s sad, I just don’t know how to cheer her up. What’s the point of calling her ‘my princess’ when I couldn’t even do a damn thing for her?

     Why don’t I know my place…? She may be my princess but I’m not her prince. Why is it that I get jealous when other guys get close to her? Why is it that I always want more of her attention? Why is it that I hate feeling distant from her? Why do I want her to share more of her life with me? We barely even talk and yet I expect so many things from her. Why, why and why, it’s seems to be my favourite question.  

     I don’t want to make things life any harder for her. I don’t want to complicate her life any more than it already is. I don’t want these questions and feelings of mine to break free from me because her smile is precious to me and I don’t ever want to see her sad.

I have limits, it's just that you don't see it.

I don’t know what I want and I don’t know why I expect things from her when I’m not supposed to

but…..

I’m weak too... I get sick too… and I get sad too…

Have you ever thought how I would feel?

Where are you when I want you by my side?