Test My Will

     It’s such a sad day for me today… Everything is just so emo-related… Everything that happened today and every thought that’s in my mind makes me feel depressed.  My will to stay strong and continue smiling to the world is being tested today and I am doing very well but in a wrong way. Here I am, once again, voicing out my share of despair.

A song she used to like. 

     The class that I am currently studying in right now…. The left window is facing directly to the road and across that road is where our memories were made. It was memories of the once called ‘my perfect girl’ and I.  In the midst of studying, I gazed out of the window and all the memories of her poured into my mind. Filling every space and gap in my mind, my mind was occupied by her…

Looking through those window panes, I can visualize my memories and make it seemingly come alive… There she was walking along those sidelines, walking into that area… ‘SP C6’… Every single time, I rode my bike past her…As I watch her walk home alone, I can feel my heart being dipped into water and drowned by anguish…

     My mind drifts deeper into my memories and I could remember myself carrying her to bed. I could literally imagine myself walking her home, eating with her, mopping her house, playing with her dogs, laughing with her, watching anime with her, watching her as she’s asleep or in pain, and just spending hours doing nothing while sitting next to her. I hated doing nothing but when I was with her, it was something I enjoyed the most. Although, all those images of my sweet memories suddenly turns pitch black and reality slams me in the face.

It was telling me “Welcome back to reality, it was only just a dream.”

Every single day I thought of her. Every single minute of my life, a part of me would be thinking of her. I was so obsessed with her. I was so blind.

Damn, whatever, back to my studies. I look forward to seek what lies ahead of me. I am sure there will be a better future for me. She has changed anyways, she isn’t who she was anymore because right now, she’s just like any other girl. Normal and boring.

This afternoon, two more events struck me. I went to Asia Jaya to pay some bills or policies related to insurance and when I go to Asia Jaya, my senior would be the first one to pop into my mind. Forget about it, I’ve had enough of talking about her.

Something my junior made for me.

Once I got home, I found out that my junior whom I am very close with, finally found someone she likes. She’s in a relationship. I tried to keep my cool and stay calmed but somewhere inside me was trembling with anxiety. I don’t know why I felt this way but I just did. All this while, I shared practically everything with her but now, things have changed. I can’t treat her the way I used to treat her anymore.  Things have changed, I should have expected this to happen sooner or later, accept it and move on.

I too have graduated with friends from different school.

     My short moment of anxiety was soon overcome by the sorrow I felt as I look at my previous school friends’ graduation pictures. My beloved friends whom I have been together with for 3 years and my beloved school which I thought I was supposed to graduate from there, graduation happened and I was not in it. My friends graduated in that school together while I graduated in a different school. I feel so happy because I could see the smiles on their faces brimming so brightly but at the same time, I could feel tears blurring my eyes. They are sad to be separating soon but I am sad to be separated from them for 2 years already.

     All I can do now is dream big and fight for those big dreams. It is my only motivation left for now so, I look ahead for what awaits me in the future. I am eager and I hunger for what’s about to come.