How does it feel...?

 How does it feel to have lost all hope, then found it 

and lose once again?

Seeing your own hope you've been holding on..crumbling away just because of one stupid mistake.
I just realized, how hard it is to smile when i think of sad memories.
I always thought that, when i thought of sad memories, i would laugh instead.
Then as i was serving as a waiter, at someone's wedding dinner.
I looked at the pictures of the happy couple.

I thought to myself....will that happen to me one day?
Being young, 16 years old, i still have so many years to come, or not~
and yet... my 16 year old is ending soon... the end of final exam marks the end of my challenges for Form 4.
I'll be Form 5 next year and facing the toughest exam in my entire highschool life, SPM.
Though somehow i look at it as a minor challenge. 

Honestly, this year had been one heck of a crazy rollercoaster ride for me. 

It's finally end year holiday, coz i'm exhausted. 

Mentally, physically and most of all emotionally.
The education level of form 4 was overwhelming compared to form 3.
I exercise and work out everyday for a better figure, at least i had some success there. Gotten much more fit.

Though for emotions? That's seriously crazy.
1. I finally confessed then got rejected.

2. Hysterically, when i finally had a chance to date but broke up before that even happened.
3. Learned what it means to care, worry and love someone then once again complications happened and once again i'm in darkness.
4. Confusion, depression, anger and insanity. Words just aren't enough to mention them all... 

How does it feel to be a negative person and having negative thoughts all the time?
It's a sad and lonely world inside that person's mind.
To be able to put a smile when you're actually in darkness?
I admire those people, because i on the other hand couldn't do it.

This year...so many things have happened. 

Crazy things. 

Met so many people, made so many new friends.
Change of personality even if it's a little...
Experience so many new things,
Had a crush that became a stranger.

I've never changed school for 2 times before,
Never thought that i would change from a top class to what people would call 'lower classes',
Had my first date with a girl, even if we're just friends,
Found my own transportation,
Rode on a superbike myself,
Found two part-time jobs,
Join Christian Fellowship and rededicate my life back to my lord Jesus.

Well, my hope to have someone to share my life with, have once again failed. >_<
I just want to share my hopes and dreams, my feelings, my sad and happy times and so much more with a girl around my age.
I hate being a teenager, because these are the feelings we teenagers get.
We're lonely when we see others dating, and others see us happy when we're lonely.
Funny, isn't it?

We always want someone with us, someone we can hold on to, someone to go to for company, someone to hug and someone we can hang around as long as we want.
To want to care for someone, to want to hug someone, to want to be around her when she needs someone.
How these sweet feelings i have experienced are poisoning me right now... That hope that has finished crumbling, not even a trace of it is left...

Maybe it's influence, maybe it's just me that feels this way. I don't know.

Isn't friendship enough? I want someone to share my deepest darkest secrets with and that would be a girl that i like not friends.

For some reason, i feel like i'm always prepared to die.
Walking on the road, riding on my motor or maybe even walking by the top corridor of my school.
I should value my life more, it's a valuable one. I think.

What teenager have this much freedom? 

Generous allowance and so much more.

I can practically do anything i want.
Though since i'm in control, i won't do anything stupid.
My parents trust me.
My mom is always nagging but somewhat she'll know i'll turn out fine.
My dad, he can be an a**hole at times, but actually he just doesn't know how to express his care for things.
Just like me, sadly, i'm just like my dad. 

So what he is, how he feels and how he thinks, i know them because i'm just like him in a way.
I realize that.

Today was my last day for my final exam,
as i completed it without a sense of tension,
i kept thinking back of the things that happened to me
.
Those days when i was in F1 enjoying my days with my first <3.
I don't dare to write the word 'love' because i'm not worth for it.
Though we have never dated before, but i think she was the one. She was definitely THE one.
How Form 2, i wanted to take off her glasses and just look at her and how Form 3 i just left without a goodbye.

Then this year, i was with a girl more senior than me. Went on a date as friends. I was actually able to enjoy myself after for so long. Then her words "I thought you know me well?".
Guess i didn't know her that well after all...

And last but not least, an odd friendship. A virtual one at that.
Enchanted by her unique personality and the similar appearance as my first <3,
I was foolishly having a random crush again, I'm always hurting myself,
Just because she is someone interesting, i can't avoid interesting events ==,
It was pathetic coz it's my habit.
Though i did learn something new, i learn to care, i learn to worry, i learned what it really means to feel relieved when she's alright
and
I got to know someone's life experiences.
How she feels, how she thinks, how she tried to suicide, how it feels to be this and that...how to just about anything.
Even if it's a short friendship, even if it's just through the internet, i want to thank you for letting me know your life.
Sharing your life events, really made my life more interesting. Helps me to look at things differently.
and I'm sorry for knowing you too. :)

What do you see through those glasses?

X- Feelings Reversed.

She's quite short, cute and wears spectacles.
She's 18, 2 years older than me.
She's independent and strong-willed.
and
She's my senior. The girl from my previous post "First Senior...."
http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8784903506548703708#editor/target=post;postID=8292472888147719048

Why am i suddenly bringing this up again?
That's just coz it's a message to her if she bothers reading my blog.

Where should i start...
Your treating me totally unfair.
Everytime when i look for you, you'll avoid me or reply me with 'eyes filled with hatred'.
You always avoid that or deny it. You said you don't but i could obviously feel it.
The hatred or annoyance of yours towards me is definitely there.
Whether you notice or not, i don't know.

You say your busy all the time. Yes i know, university students are busy.
They have much more reports to complete and assignments to do.

What about me? You look at me as if i'm the type of guy who sits around watching Anime 24 hours a day.
If i'm that type of guy, why the heck do i work? I have tons of reports and assignments too.
I have exams to prepare to, even if i neglect them a little, i still do take my time revising.
You should understand my condition, you've lived through it.
Even if you're science stream and I'm commerce, the busy level still remains equally busy.

I have 2 sisters. One just completed A-Levels and another is almost completing her Degree.
Do you think i'm so blind not to notice what they're going through?
I know even few minutes of yours won't hurt.
You're totally unfair to me.

I don't know why.
I want ANSWERS.
Yes, i have betrayed a as a guy few months back. I admit that and totally am aware of that.
You're totally hurt, yeah sure, why not?

I'm not trying to repent for what i did few months back.
Because i no you'll never forgive me for destroying your trust.

But i NEVER betrayed you as a friend before. Whenever you need me, i'll try my best to be there for you.
Best friends or friends, i think i've surpassed them all but in the end, i only feel coldness from you.
So guess what? I'm the one who's getting hurt much more right now.

The only times when i DON'T feel daggers coming from you were....
The school years we had together, i can feel warmth even if it's a just a little,
Those precious days i had with you through virtual world,
When we were ice-skating, i was so glad you enjoyed yourself,
The other day when we texted about my exam, i felt so happy that you actually look for me once.

Though all other days, those quiet stabs through my soul, i could feel it.
If i'm annoying you, then TELL ME THAT I'M ANNOYING YOU.
If i'm an eye sore to you, then TELL ME I'M AN EYE SORE TO YOU.
If i'm troublesome, then TELL ME I'M TROUBLESOME.
Don't keep anything from you, i'd rather you hate me with all your heart than lie to me.

I can't take it anymore.
You keep saying your not.
But i could feel it.

All the things i say, always seem to offend you.
Just to remind you, i know your strong willed, you can survive by yourself, you don't need anyone else.
Yeah sure, you won't last long.
Sooner or later, you will need people.
Be it, poor person, average citizen or even some rich tycoon.
You still need people to help you through out your life no matter what, even if you like it or not.

I'm not posting this to deliberately hurt you or accuse you of your 'innocence'.
I'm posting this because i'm hurting here and i want ANSWERS.
I need to know what step i have to take next.

All i want to say is...
Li Hung, i'm sorry for anything and everything.
From the day we met few years back till today, i'm sorry.
I'm sorry for hurting you and annoying you.
I know i'm annoying, always disturbing you when you busy and most of all i'm self-centered.

People around us, they are odd and different, aren't they?
The things they do, the way they react and their feelings. They don't realize anything. Right?
You said i've changed, maybe becoming one of those people.

Then i'm sorry, because i don't even know which part of me changed.
But please, tell me everything. I just want to know your answers.
Maybe i'm just talking rubbish here, everything i just said was a fraud.

Then tell me, is what i said true or false?
Or,
are you going to say, all the things i said is because i think too much.
That you never actually felt mad with me.
That you don't have a single feeling of disgust and hatred towards me.

Like the picture above,
I'm just the guy looking at you, my dear friend, what will happen to you.
I'm interested, anxious to see how you will turn out to be.
and
You're the girl living your life.
With friends around, but having a lock around your heart.  

Discard Lingering Feelings.

I'm not that blind.

Every moment, i embrace. Every detail i will secure it.
Today's English exam. 

Majority had their 'leaked' questions, so make life interesting.

I compete with them using my brains against their earlier preparations.

Essay writing for english is probably the best part of all subjects in exam. 

I would choose the most odd answers. 

For example, Characters you like for The Fruitcake Special or QWERTYUIOP.

Form 4 & 5 Malaysian students would most probably understand those short stories.
Students would rather choose obvious characters such as Anne or Lucy Beck.

Me?

I chose Mr. Amos from The Fruitcake Special. Odd choice for others, i guess~ 

That's what my friends said when i told them that i chose him as my favourite character.

Anyways, when it came down to Section B of paper 1. 

They had 5 choices. 

I chose....

The ending of the story '....then i realised all those words she said to me were true'. 

My teacher watched me as i was having a hard to decide. 

She said for question no.4 those words would usually come from your teacher or your mom.

She was half-heartedly joking ofcourse, as a teacher and a prefect, we know how to stay professional.
(Or so to say)
But for me, once i looked at the question, i instantly knew who to write about. 

Months of experience, i could just dish them all out in my exam.

Perfect, so that was my reason for choosing that. 

Engrossed with writing, i kept thinking back of my entire year. 

When i first moved in, my feelings. The new beginnings and all~
Most important part of the story, i could just thought of....
Slowly and unnoticed, the little spark of interest that she lighted grew into flames.

I'm supposed to write ABOUT 350 words but i don't bother. 

This written story was more important to me than my marks.
 How it started. 

Those days as i lie on my desk, i just gaze at that perfect sight i had. 

Observing and discover daily. 

Even if my eyes deceived me then, i must admit that i was captured by that mysterious feeling around her.
Though in the end, i still wrote. 

She passed away due to her illness. 

So what do i want?

I'm not sure myself. 

I guess, if i continue keeping this lingering feeling around.

I'll just keep getting hurt deeper and deeper. 

Hurting not by others but by myself and myself only.

I have a habit of blaming everything on myself when it comes to girls.
I just want to discard all these feelings. Run away like i always do. I never thought that i'm such a coward but then i realized that i am one now.

Throughout the year, i think i have changed. Even if it was long and painful, i managed to change even if it's just a little. 

Changing yourself in such a short time, that's a lie.
You're just deceiving yourself if you continue doing that. In other words, lying to yourself.

Never change for anyone else other than yourself, if not, you won't be you anymore.

Your not the special & unique person anymore, you'll just someone that is made by someone else.

It was a mistake. Don't change. You're perfect the way you are already .
How to cope with you is different than how you cope with others.
  

Different Scenarios.

Ever feel like you have too many thoughts in your mind that you want to share it on Facebook but think it might be too many posts?
Well yeah, i'm kinda having that feeling.
The feeling where i have so many scenarios in my mind that i just want to share it somewhere.

Normally, people would just twitter it or spam on their Facebook page.
But i'd rather just dish out everything in my blog instead. :D
So i have few scenarios running in my mind right now...
After my nap, i have such odd thoughts of the most obvious things...weird...

Anyways, let's start with Scenario 1(Unexpectedly Rude Reaction?)~
Hm... let's say you have met a new friend recently.
I'm playing as a guy character and she's a girl character larh.
The meeting was nothing extraordinary, just a simple normal meeting that made us friends.
When we got to know each other, we just do what normal friends do.
Chat online, text and talk to each other.
I found out that, when i don't mix around.
She thinks of me as an unfriendly and 'emo' guy.
Alright, maybe that's how i am when i don't know others yet.
But you see, here comes the funny part.
This morning, when i talk to her like normal, she told me to 'don't talk to me'. (She didn't even bother to look at me)
What the... Why? What did i do something wrong trying to be Friendly?
She said "My friends thought you liked me."
What the F**k?!
So YOUR friends accused me of something i'm innocent of, and your just gonna treat me like this just because of YOUR friends said?
Screw me if i'm wrong, even if you're older than me, you're much more immature than i am.
Oh my, then you must be 1 heck of a selfish person.
How would you feel, if you're trying to befriend with someone nicely and get pushed away just because of THEIR friend?!
Forget it then, you can live without me and i can very much live without you.

You're not worth my attention anymore. 

Alright, forget about her. Scenario 2 (Memories of the Parted Ways).
To be me, 1 year ago.
It's kinda a day that i parted with my previous school Tiong Hua.
The end of Penilaian Menengah Rendah (PMR) marks the day of anniversary.
It's last day i saw my friends and my previous love, her.
Imagine yourself, standing by a corner of the school.
Watch her happily walk out of the classroom and slowly disappear from your sight...
It was so touching, that i think i started crying. (Just a little though >_<)
Anyways, it'll be the last day you'll ever see her and you started looking more frantically for her.
Friends passed by, unaware you're about to leave, and you just wave to them innocently with guilt in your heart.
A silent goodbye. From your heart.
Then when everyone finally is gone, you just see 'her' standing by there.
You look at her for 1 last time and strode away.
For an entire year it has been since that day.
I won't forget it for the days to come. :')

Enough with being so dramatic then. Here comes Scenario 3 (Scariest Nightmare). XD
We all have scary nightmares, yes i understand that.
Some view nightmares as exams, some view as bad situations (Example : Falling from a tall building) and others would be just plain horror.
Well my scariest nightmare is rather different.
Imagine yourself as whoever you want to be. (Boy/Girl)
Ofcourse i'll be the boy since i'm a guy after all.
I was chatting the pretty girl i have a small crush on. For months, i think.
Anyways, we were chatting then suddenly a random Korean Celebrity looking guy appeared.
What happened next was just SHIT.
The guy started kissing her.
Makes things worst.
She kissed him back and end up both of them kissing erotically.
I can assure you it was not enjoyable at ALL!!!
O.O
Stunned, all i could do was just standing right next to them watching them so engrossed with their kissing.
(I'm pretty sure i was thrashing on my bed in reality)
It's like watching you dreams getting shattered and you couldn't do anything about it.
The girl that you like, cared and wanted to protect so much was taken away just within seconds....
FYI, what comes next was i was in classroom studying and suddenly got violent and rampaged in my classroom. :3

Scenario 4 (Forgotten Reasons!)
The reason, to protect, care and finally to love have been all replaced with anger and confusion.
The reason to want to talk to her, just have a simple chat, text or even have little of her attention.
Those reasons ignored till forgotten.
From guy's point of view.
You're a guy and you like that girl. Simple & Normal Teenager Life/Situation.
So if you really like a girl, and not just for the sake of knowing she's pretty, attractive and all.
You just want to care for her and give her everything you can.
So here's the deal.
You give, she doesn't receive.
She doesn't receive yet she say the most ridiculously outrageous things that hurt us more then herself.
It makes you so mad you just wanna shut your world away.
Maybe some you guys know how to manage, but as far as i'm concern, i'm like that.
Example : She's passed out for a day +.

Guy's side. "Owh damn, what will happen too her?! Will she be alright?! When is she getting up?! How's her condition?! How much more longer do we have to wait?!" and so on so on.

Girl's side (After awakening). " I'm alright...thank you for you concern."

O.O.... this just makes you speechless.
What's worst, when you want to give, your gift was actually rejected!!!
Argh! So sickening!!! The best is just forget everything!!! Amnesia/anything!
Those weeks and months of confusion, unattended, they finally became anger.

The Odd Person That I am

It's Thursday I'm not in school... why?
I don't know why either maybe coz of the Form 3 exams or something.
My exam starts next Wednesday too, but i don't give a damn.
I have low targets for my high-school years.
Minimum 5 Cs' for SPM, shouldn't be a problem for me~

Anyways, i was bored.
I had a good 'work out' before lunch,
Then rode around USJ 14 to search for food.
After lunch, i just wander around and ended up by a park near my friend's house.

I had the intention of meeting her that time,
but she RUDELY refused to get out of her house.

So, i ended up by the park~

 
As you can see, the park was empty that time and i was all alone.
I felt it has been quite some time since i came by a park and have fun there~
I guess i missed the feeling of being a kid sometimes.
Not a single worry~

The weather was i could say almost perfect.
The sun was shining, but the park was completely shaded by the trees.
It was kinda windy too, just relaxing~

I just swing as hard as i could,
Feeling my body swing from high to low and low to high.
It was surprisingly.... refreshing to do such again~
Car passed by, if they look at me, they'll probably wonder what i'm doing.
But i don't care, i just enjoy myself.

There were several times when i'm feeling down, bored or had too much to think.
I'll just go to a park and sit there by myself.

There's a girl lingering in my mind and sadly i can't just get rid of her from my mind.
That sick girl that gets me worried all the time.
It's confusing.
It's as if she's seriously ill but yet may be just begging for attention.
I can only speak to her through words but never voice.
It's sickening.

Slowly, those virtual feelings turns into reality.
Complications happen.
I'm so mad at her that i don't even know why.
Maybe i'm jealous or maybe i'm just angry.

I just want to block out all those memory we had ONLINE.
It's pathetic.
Forgotten, so who is that familiar girl that i don't remember?

For a change, i want to her to look at me as a 16 year old guy friend.
A guy friend who wants to care for her and be there for her whenever she needs someone to rely on.
Hey, is not like i mind being friend-zoned.
But just once, i want things to be different~

But in the end, as usual. Being me.
I always end up causing the 'girl who i care the most' sad and eventually cry.

I still remember, a girl told me before....
"You always said you want me to be happy, but in the end, you're the one who make me cry the most".