How does it feel...?

 How does it feel to have lost all hope, then found it 

and lose once again?

Seeing your own hope you've been holding on..crumbling away just because of one stupid mistake.
I just realized, how hard it is to smile when i think of sad memories.
I always thought that, when i thought of sad memories, i would laugh instead.
Then as i was serving as a waiter, at someone's wedding dinner.
I looked at the pictures of the happy couple.

I thought to myself....will that happen to me one day?
Being young, 16 years old, i still have so many years to come, or not~
and yet... my 16 year old is ending soon... the end of final exam marks the end of my challenges for Form 4.
I'll be Form 5 next year and facing the toughest exam in my entire highschool life, SPM.
Though somehow i look at it as a minor challenge. 

Honestly, this year had been one heck of a crazy rollercoaster ride for me. 

It's finally end year holiday, coz i'm exhausted. 

Mentally, physically and most of all emotionally.
The education level of form 4 was overwhelming compared to form 3.
I exercise and work out everyday for a better figure, at least i had some success there. Gotten much more fit.

Though for emotions? That's seriously crazy.
1. I finally confessed then got rejected.

2. Hysterically, when i finally had a chance to date but broke up before that even happened.
3. Learned what it means to care, worry and love someone then once again complications happened and once again i'm in darkness.
4. Confusion, depression, anger and insanity. Words just aren't enough to mention them all... 

How does it feel to be a negative person and having negative thoughts all the time?
It's a sad and lonely world inside that person's mind.
To be able to put a smile when you're actually in darkness?
I admire those people, because i on the other hand couldn't do it.

This year...so many things have happened. 

Crazy things. 

Met so many people, made so many new friends.
Change of personality even if it's a little...
Experience so many new things,
Had a crush that became a stranger.

I've never changed school for 2 times before,
Never thought that i would change from a top class to what people would call 'lower classes',
Had my first date with a girl, even if we're just friends,
Found my own transportation,
Rode on a superbike myself,
Found two part-time jobs,
Join Christian Fellowship and rededicate my life back to my lord Jesus.

Well, my hope to have someone to share my life with, have once again failed. >_<
I just want to share my hopes and dreams, my feelings, my sad and happy times and so much more with a girl around my age.
I hate being a teenager, because these are the feelings we teenagers get.
We're lonely when we see others dating, and others see us happy when we're lonely.
Funny, isn't it?

We always want someone with us, someone we can hold on to, someone to go to for company, someone to hug and someone we can hang around as long as we want.
To want to care for someone, to want to hug someone, to want to be around her when she needs someone.
How these sweet feelings i have experienced are poisoning me right now... That hope that has finished crumbling, not even a trace of it is left...

Maybe it's influence, maybe it's just me that feels this way. I don't know.

Isn't friendship enough? I want someone to share my deepest darkest secrets with and that would be a girl that i like not friends.

For some reason, i feel like i'm always prepared to die.
Walking on the road, riding on my motor or maybe even walking by the top corridor of my school.
I should value my life more, it's a valuable one. I think.

What teenager have this much freedom? 

Generous allowance and so much more.

I can practically do anything i want.
Though since i'm in control, i won't do anything stupid.
My parents trust me.
My mom is always nagging but somewhat she'll know i'll turn out fine.
My dad, he can be an a**hole at times, but actually he just doesn't know how to express his care for things.
Just like me, sadly, i'm just like my dad. 

So what he is, how he feels and how he thinks, i know them because i'm just like him in a way.
I realize that.

Today was my last day for my final exam,
as i completed it without a sense of tension,
i kept thinking back of the things that happened to me
.
Those days when i was in F1 enjoying my days with my first <3.
I don't dare to write the word 'love' because i'm not worth for it.
Though we have never dated before, but i think she was the one. She was definitely THE one.
How Form 2, i wanted to take off her glasses and just look at her and how Form 3 i just left without a goodbye.

Then this year, i was with a girl more senior than me. Went on a date as friends. I was actually able to enjoy myself after for so long. Then her words "I thought you know me well?".
Guess i didn't know her that well after all...

And last but not least, an odd friendship. A virtual one at that.
Enchanted by her unique personality and the similar appearance as my first <3,
I was foolishly having a random crush again, I'm always hurting myself,
Just because she is someone interesting, i can't avoid interesting events ==,
It was pathetic coz it's my habit.
Though i did learn something new, i learn to care, i learn to worry, i learned what it really means to feel relieved when she's alright
and
I got to know someone's life experiences.
How she feels, how she thinks, how she tried to suicide, how it feels to be this and that...how to just about anything.
Even if it's a short friendship, even if it's just through the internet, i want to thank you for letting me know your life.
Sharing your life events, really made my life more interesting. Helps me to look at things differently.
and I'm sorry for knowing you too. :)

What do you see through those glasses?