October is Near.

These two weeks felt unreasonably long. It's probably because of the so many events and not so many events that happened in within these 2 weeks. Well, my cousin Amanda from England came to visit Malaysia after I do not know how many years. There would be like 7 people living in my house (including me) during her stay. There was space enough for everyone but a strange uncle comes to live here almost every Sunday-Tuesday because of my grandma, making it 8 people. One sentence for that "I hate sharing bathroom, he makes a mess of the bathroom that I use." 

Anyways, school is seriously boring this month. We go there to sit and do nothing besides collecting exam papers. I do my own work, chat a little, nap then go home. It feels like a complete waste of time because I can concentrate in studying and feel better when I'm at home. Even when it's boring in school but at least it's peaceful because 'that person' skips school almost everyday, so my heart and mind is at ease. My 'Trial Exam' results do not reach satisfactory level but they will suffice me to enter university in January next year. Couple of A's, mostly C's, a D and obviously I failed my additional mathematics but who cares, as long as I reached my targets then I'm fine with it. Hopefully, my most important exam for my 13 years of schooling (so far) would be able to achieve much more 'sufficient' results. :3

My mind wander aimlessly these days... I have so many goals in life till I'm lost because of it. My dreams have been shattered and renewed countless times till I've lost track of it. I just don't know where I'm heading to right now. Nevermind, I'll find something sooner or later.

The Secret Garden at the top of 1Utama is so beautiful. Surrounded my plants of all kinds, it feels somewhat peaceful with the sound of birds chirping. As I sat down on one of the benches provided, I began to think. 

"Everything feels wonderful, the sound of cars surrounding this building may be annoying but I just block it out. Then why do I feel sad? There's an empty seat beside me...who's supposed to be the one sitting there..by my side?"

Hope to find out, when I enter University. 

Pursuit

18/09/2013 – Wednesday

     What an unlucky day it was today, for my friend. I was invited to go out with two of my classmates few days back, so we all skipped school together. Two of us went out from home and another literally skipped school. I had to the drive girl who literally skipped school for breakfast and we met up with the other friend later on in a shopping mall.

     Breakfast was awkward because there was an awkward silence. I’ll just name my friends as A and B. Anyways, B and I don’t mix well together. It’s not like we’re enemies or anything, it’s just that we both feel strange when meeting each other. Anyways, after breakfast, we head straight to the arcade. The girls played various types of machines while I watched, it’s not that I couldn’t afford playing but watching them play is more enjoyable than playing it myself. I joined one of the games though, the racing game.

     It was fun, we were engrossed with the game till it ended.  B couldn’t find her bag after the game. It was stolen. She left it beside her seat but the thief just slipped his/her arm in the space between the seats and took off. Surprisingly, neither of the two girls noticed, I was sitting further off so obviously I wouldn’t have noticed.

     We were pacing about the arcade searching for the missing bag. We hoped it would have been left behind instead of stolen. To no avail, we gave up searching. My heart ached a little when I saw her holding back tears and kicking chairs around the arcade. She is the girl whom has little similarity to my senior, so she’s someone interesting to me. It’s not that I like her or anything but she is special in her own way. Giving up is meaningless, we might as well try our best to do something about this. I quickly informed the nearest guard to start ‘opening their eyes’ and watch out for the bag. It was terrible, it took time and convincing just so the guard will use his ‘walkie talkie’ to alert the other guards.
 

     “Come on! Can’t you grasp the situation and just work on it?! The bag was stolen just few minutes ago, if we don’t act now it’ll be too late by then!” Oh my gosh, It was frustrating convincing these people. My friends and I paced around for a while and I left them to seek for assistance in the ‘guard office’. I didn’t have a clear cut image of how her bag looked like because I didn’t really paid any attention to it but I had to use whatever info I have. The guard in the office was the same, his ability to grasp the situation was so slow! Luckily, there was another man or officer who understood my situation. He convinced the guard on duty to contact the rest of the guards in the shopping mall to keep a lookout for the bag. 

     There wasn’t much in the bag actually. B left her cell phone, wallet and a pack of tissue in the bag but she was most concern about her Identity Card. I couldn’t bear the sight of her holding back tears, it tears me apart and I don’t know why. Then, I left the office to continue my search for the stolen bag. I paced quickly throughout the mall, it was as if I was jogging in the mall. When I called A on the phone, can you believe it…they gave up searching and went back to the arcade so B could release her frustration. It left me speechless and I just…. o.o….. blurrrrr

     The situation seems hopeless, it’s just a minor problem actually but why am I getting so worked up about this? It’s not even my bag that was stolen. I relied on my own strength and forgot to trust in God, that was my very first mistake. I stopped, in the middle of the mall, I prayed and asked God to lend me his strength. After a while, I met up with my friends and a guard told me that they found the bag.

     We went back to the ‘guard office’ and the guards told me that the bag was left behind at some staircase. The only things that were stolen are cash and cellphone. Luckily, she didn’t bring much cash, so it wasn’t a big lost and her cellphone was a cheap one. The sign of relief was written all over her face as her Identity Card was intact. Her cute smile quickly lit up her flustered face and she was hugging her bag tightly, she looked so cute at that moment. She looked like a little girl who just lost her beloved teddy bear.

  I have receipt but no drink...I wonder why? >< 

   I thanked the guards and took my leave. There was still an awkward silence between B and I but A was there to lighten up the mood, surprisingly, she’s good at trying to keep things positive. The day went on as we went for bowling, arcade and movie. 

Hm… I wonder what would they have done if I wasn’t there? O.o Would they have continued searching or given up? O.o

Closing the Love chapters : Trilogy

11/09/2013 – Wednesday

     I am closing the ‘love’ chapters of my life momentarily. It has been a long and seriously heart-aching journey. Three girls is equivalent to three loves in my life so far. These three girls are the girls whom I’ve taken most interest, given most serious attention and offered most feelings towards them. They have helped me in my growth especially my maturity, they have changed me in many ways and they have thought me how to treasure memories like no others. I’ve felt happiness in a way which I’ve never felt before, I’ve had dreams that makes me strive for success, I’ve been hurt and I’ve been shattered along the journey. There are three stories to go along with each one of them and making it a trilogy.    

My treasured school where we met.

     The first girl would the classmate whom is same age with me, and cute. I don’t even know why I fell for her because her personality is just so ‘normal’ and I don’t usually find ‘normal’ interesting.  Among all three girls, I’ve had feelings for her for the longest span of time. She was the classmate I’ve always wanted to get close to but I restrain myself from doing so. Watching over her and comforting her through cyberspace was all I did, I was young and hopeless. I could only watch and dream. I was friends with her, then I despised her and after a while, I started having feelings for her and finally I fell in love with her. After I left my hometown, I was in despair of my depression as every single day for a few consecutive months, I was longing for her madly. I miss her so much that I’ll dream of being with her at least 2 days a week. She is the girl I’ve been obsessed with. In the end, nothing has changed, we remained as friends. The distance between us healed me and I lost the feelings I once had for her. (Obsessed)

Blogging was what brought us together.

     The second girl would be my senior. She is 2 years older than me, she is the girl with specs, definitely cute, somewhat short (she seems to be taller now) but most importantly, she is special. She is different from other girls (to me anyways) and that is what makes her so unique. Her personality, it makes me run wild for her. Among the three girls, since she is the eldest, she would be the most the mature and sincere girl. I dare say that my senior is the only girl who understands me. Thus, she was able to give me the comfort I needed and it just feels so safe being with her. Honestly, I don’t feel like I need anyone else if she is there with me, she was all I ever wanted and she was all I ever needed. We met in high school, she was my senior in a certain society, there was nothing happening between us then. We’ve had laughter and we’ve had silent wars. I started to fall for her, only when I started to learn about her. Everything was going well until I made a foolish mistake. I got greedy. My unwavering feelings condemned me to making a mistake which I will regret for the rest of my life. She is the best of all three girls but she was the least appreciated due to my immature heart and mind. We became friends…then I suddenly became a stranger to her and now, she is my motivation to succeed in life. I guess I have no rights to complain because I deserve a worse punishment than this. She is being nice to me, even with that cold-heart of hers. For now, I miss her ‘so very badly’ but all I could do is just hope for her. (Hope)

My heart, I gave to her. I want to burn it so badly now.

     Last but not least, the third girl. Once again, she is a classmate but in a different school. She is the same age as me, she is pretty and her voice is cute, short, attractive, and would be known as the ‘sick girl’. I knew her through Facebook even though we’re in the same class. She just seems a little interesting to me at first, nothing special though but as I learn more about her life, I gradually started liking her. She became my meaning in life as I felt like I want to do nothing else besides taking care of her. Little by little, I became desperate for her. I learned how to worry endlessly, desire desperately and love unconditionally. She was the seemingly perfect girl for me and I would do anything to protect that sweet smile of hers. I’ve done all sorts of things which I’ve never done for any girls before just to keep her happy. Unknowingly, I was just blind for about a year going to two. I somewhat had my chance with her. It was like living a dream because my shattered dream was to live together with her in the future. I dreamt of striving to become the one who will be able to protect her in the future. That dream is nothing but a delusion. For some reason, I would always be curious and suspect her. I can’t stop myself from thinking that she is deceptive and deceiving. Even if she is true and not fake, it’s strange that I can’t trust her entirely. She is the girl I’ve given my most to. I’ve given her my heart and I regret doing so. Everything about her now is regret. Among all three girls, I’ve loved her the most and I regret doing so. I love her so much that unconsciously, I’ve came to hate her. That is how far, I’ve hurt myself in this story. The feelings I receive from being with her is the best and worst. For now, she is just a friend in reality but probably an enemy, in my heart. (Regret)

     I now close this trilogy as I have many more challenges ahead of me and this feeling known as ‘love’ would only be a burden to me. I am heartbroken because of the most recent girl and it doesn’t seem to be healing for now. Hopefully, the fourth story would be the best and last. (I doubt it’ll be the last though)

Short Story: It was my first official date with a girl. After months of awkward silence, I break the ice by asking out her and surprisingly she agreed. The first stop would be ice-skating in Sunway Pyramid. The salary I worked for in the Paintball company was worth it because it was great spending my day with her. It was fun watch her as she struggles to keep herself from falling in the ice-skating ring. I got my chance to bully her. xD The funniest part would be when she couldn’t get up by herself after she fell but another girl just stood up normally. I got to hold her hand, there wasn’t any special meaning to it besides helping her to skate but…I still got to hold her hand and that’s what matters. >_< Even though we were wearing gloves, I could feel her warmth flowing through me. It was addictive. My hand has never felt any lonelier than ever before, after she let go of hers. It was a feeling I’ve never felt before, it is a feeling so empty that my life feels meaningless and that feeling lasted till this very day. 

Waiting for the Future!

07/09/2013 – Saturday

     Finally, the weekend is here. I can sleep to my heart’s content and laze around. I’ll probably regret doing this because I still have two remaining subjects for my examination the coming Monday and Tuesday. The two remaining subjects would be economics and principles of accounts. I’m getting mixed feelings from this because economics is one of my favorite subject and accounts would be one of my toughest.

The clutch is missing, the petrol tank is dent and the headlight totally broke. 

     Anyways, I spent the day with my mom and eldest sister. The big car needs to be fixed and I wanted to go see the Kawasaki (superbike). It was quite a splendid day, a good break for me I suppose. In the morning, I got to spend time with my laptop. In the afternoon, my family and I brought to fix the car. I went to see the superbike and I got to see a whole bunch of high-class superbikes. We went to look at some cars (possibly my future car) xD. I had a nice lunch and dessert (Tong Pak Fu).  *sigh* Tong Pak Fu reminds me of the time when I went out with Coacine in Midvalley. It was my first time eating that and I had a nice long chat with her. :3

     Back to topic, the things I discussed with my family today really got me dreaming about the future. The things like college, business, cars, houses, shares and so on. College is just one year ahead of me, in fact, it’s just few months away. Everything is planned out, everything is prepared but now the only thing left to do is, achieve sufficient results so I can enroll into college. I have perhaps about 4-5 years before I go out to work. As a young adult and fresh graduate, it’s hard to buy things like a house and car.

     These dreams we have in our minds of being successful, they seem so easy to achieve but obviously, reality is never kind to us. I’ve never even dreamt of getting into an accident but reality hits me anyways. No matter how bad or how horrible things are and no matter how hopeless the situation seems to be but giving up is not an option, so, we might as well take the initiative to achieve our desires.

Likewise, I will not give up on these so called ‘silly’ dreams of mine. Despite this accident, I will be a rider once again when I’m recovered! :D I’m waiting for the future, waiting for my turn to move out and face what challenges this cruel world has to offer. ><        

The jacket broke my fall, it saved me from many injuries and external wound. 

I will be riding once again when I'm healed. :D 

Little Boy

02/09/2013 – Monday

     It feels so nostalgic reading back our old conversations. It brings me to tears as I truly miss the time I once had with her. One thing I notice, she either calls me an 80 year old man or a kid. It is funny because I too call her an old lady or a little kid.

     I am being childish. I was probably trying to shorten the age gap between us but reality won’t change, she will be forever 2 years more mature than I am in terms of age.

     “I really like the relationship between u n me now. Friendship with a 80yr old man.” Hm…so am I an old man or a kid. The answer is obvious. As much as I lie to myself, reality doesn’t falter because it is harsh. I am just a little boy in her eyes.

     I am aware that all I’ve said till now is childish. I understand that my desire to chase after her, making her my motivation and so on, sounds immature. It sounds like a little boy desperately chasing after a mature girl and that is rather cute, in other words, pathetic.

     That may all be true but… If this is the reason that could make me successful, be the best and beat the rest in the future, is it really that childish? Am I really immature to think of it this way? Am I on the right track or is this just a child’s wishful thinking…?

What is right and what is wrong, the journey that lies ahead of me will be my answer. I am 17 and in about half a year’s time, I would be 18.

Who will I become then?