This Is Me

Horribly huge grammar mistake, if you notice. ;)

12/12/2012 – Wednesday

     Born in an average family, my life should be clear-cut simple. “My life is so completely complicated”, that is what most people would think and I wouldn’t exclude myself from that statement. Every complication has AT LEAST a solution, and that solution varies differently depending on the individual. “How does your mind work?” That represents the way a person thinks and how they solve their complication.

                Simple, average and sophisticated type of person, which type of person are you? Obviously everyone would think their life is so complicated, making them sophisticated but are you so sure about that? Even if you are so sure about yourself, but this world, this reality, does not agree with each and every one of us except for only some people. That was considered a fair opinion, agree? Anyways, I should have been a different person from who I am currently. A loathsome and disregarded person, a demon, that is who I am right now to many people.

     Like I stated above, I was born in an average family. Normal parents who are strict and loving, a little odd yet caring sisters, stable in finance and the same to every average family except there is me, the rebellious son who is an eccentric person. “Have you ever heard of this statement before?” ‘Every family has at least one black sheep in the family’ I think the black sheep (unfortunate persona) of my family is no one else but me. Pathetic and disgraceful, even I view myself as someone to be hated or worst, pitied. 

I was a normal child once, so I’m not anymore. To be more precise, I was more of a brat for a child. I demand for everything I desire, always hot-tempered and throwing tantrums was like a hobby to me. Playing and having fun, that was my purpose in life then. I never cared for anything and definitely anyone at all except for myself, I live solely for myself. Being human and having a conscience, realizing things and growing up was what changed me. I became different when my age stroke 13.

     My mind maturing, the same as everyone else around me, I began to view things differently. The way I think becomes so odd and strange, the new thoughts are unknown to me. I changed drastically when I learned to control myself. My anger, my sadness and even my happiness, I learned how to render them neutral. Only certain days would I break down due to the sadness or anger accumulated inside of me. I fear myself when any one of my main three emotions goes out of control. My main three emotions would be happiness, sadness and anger.

 The blogger, working at da park. xD

     Happiness, a feeling which everyone enjoys, long for and fight hard to achieve. I fear it if I get too much of it. Why? I will become blind when I’m happy and I’ll be defenseless, anyone could crush it any time and the pain would be beyond unbearable. It’ll be excruciating. That is why I neutralize my happiness even if I do manage to achieve it.

     Sadness, it is a feeling which everyone tries to avoid. For this emotion, I too am the same. I normally just hide the sorrow in my heart and try my best to keep a smile on my face. That smile is my mask, a mask I worked hard for. Some people tend to just keep their sorrow inside them while others just burst it out, there is a difference. How a strong-willed cries and comfort themself while some others just cries in public and others starts comforting them. I fear it because being sad and ‘crying’ is overly pathetic, non-beneficial and only disgraces one self. Crying because of the sadness accumulated inside of us, what is the point? I honestly dare say I stopped that ridiculous actions known as crying for a long time but I must also admit that I cry when I’m at my limits. That is why I neutralize my sadness which I detest most.

     Anger, a feeling that is most uncontrollable, easily activated and most feared by some people. A feeling to just go out of control, rampage and destroy. This emotion, anger, is my most unpredictable emotion. The toughest emotion to control. Whenever I get mad with something or someone, I would want to crush things, destroy them. Over the years, I have learned to direct all my anger to hitting walls. So I won’t break anything but just hurt myself instead, at least I won’t be a nuisance to others. When I’m angry at someone, it is even worst. I have this urge of hurting others. Hurt them so badly that they will beg for forgiveness even when I’m stepping their heads on the ground. Given my physical capabilities and fighting skills which I have honed throughout the years, I may be able to perform it to certain people. Overcoming this emotion, I tend to just walk away and avoid physical or further confrontation to escape from my anger. I have been regarded as a coward MANY times by MANY people, but little do they know what may happen to them if I didn’t become a ‘coward’. That is why I neutralize my anger at all cost. 

Typing it in. :D

     Is it the right choice to use harsh methods for the right reasons to achieve the best results? Given that you understand the consequences, you are to condemn yourself in the end, will you do it for the sake of others? I discovered something new last month, after my rejection.

     To love a girl, to know that she keeps wanting to die and not be able to be with her. My world is cruel to me, I wanted to change that. I want her to enjoy living even if I myself want to suicide and most of all, I wanted to know her in reality instead of the virtual world we communicate in. There was this greed to want to be with her. After analyzing and planning, I have decided to use a harsh method, a method with enough motivation to change her. She is a girl who treasures friends like gold, so the method is simple yet effective. Ignorance towards her as I think I’m qualified enough to be her ‘friend’. Days, weeks and months passed by, I am growing weaker every single day. Who can ignore the girl or person they love? Even if I’m just communicating with her online or text, virtual world, at least I feel like I am with her. I love the feeling of being with her, it’s so… warm. Though my ignorance towards has been too long and that was my mistake, it backfired on me. I confessed, she rejected and I don’t blame her for giving up because I am to be blamed. Those days of ignorance, it probably hurt me more than it hurt her because I honestly do love her… She probably thought I was the selfish guy who got mad and left her, abandoned her but then, when have anyone been there for me when I’m in despair? *sigh* who knows, I don’t know what she really thinks of me after all.

     “Am I actually a good or bad person?” I tend to question myself some time. Some people thinks I am good and others thinks I am bad but I treat everyone equally. What they view of me is who I am to them. People believe what they think are correct, the right choice. I too believe what I think is correct but what if one of us is often wrong? There are no good or bad people, because both sides think they are doing the right thing, making the right choices and taking the appropriate actions.

     Am I a hypocrite or am I being sincere? I will not change the way you think of me because it is how you view of me, that decides who am I to you.  

(THE END)