That girl from my class.

Different people meeting other different people, an encounter meant to discover.

27-02-2012 – Wednesday

Girls, girls are everywhere in this world. They come from different backgrounds with different personalities and bla bla bla.  Anyways, which TYPE of girl interest you most?

     “What in the world do I mean by TYPE?” If that’s what you’re probably thinking right now, I’ll just give a few examples. Girls who are happy all the time (Smiles non-stop every day), kind of creepy too me since I’m somewhat the opposite. Girls who are overly popular (tons of friends and attention), girls who are outstanding (excel in all sorts of stuff but not necessarily popular) and quiet girls (isolates themselves and mind their own business).

     For me, I would be most interested in ‘special’ girls. I don’t know what category they fall into but I’ll just mark them as special. The feeling is different when I come across those girls but it’s rare because they don’t appear everywhere. I am an odd guy so it’s odd for others to understand what I meant by special girls.

     Special girls…. When I look at them, they will automatically stand out from the rest, different from all other girls. Some special girls have immediate effect on me, it’s like instinctively I’ll know they’re different while some other special girls takes time for me to figure out whether they’re different or same to everyone else. If I make eye contact, well, It will be easier for me to know. The feeling of their presence is also different. Imagine yourself in a world where everyone has auras, normal people would have white aura while special girls will have gold aura.

    “How do I compare special girls to other girls? Well, I can’t really explain because it’s all based on feelings and instincts.” It is kind of rude for me to say that only certain girls are special when all girls are special in their own way though this is a different case. Normal girls with ordinary personality are boring to me, not a single spark of interest would build in me.  I would be friends with them, even best friends but I won’t ever be interested in them.

     Special girls, that girl from my class, she is one of them. WM. Currently, there are few other girls that I noticed in my school stood out from all other girls in my school but as I am unable to observe them, I lost interest too since it’s not worth the effort. She is my classmate, a friend who I have not spoken to verbally before and yes, she is special to me.

     Before this, there was another girl from my previous school whom I marked as ‘special’ too. Her name is Stela and she was once my classmate then I transferred. Hahahaha.. Anyways, Stela was somewhat similar to WM since they are from the same category (my reference of category). Their personality is the same but obviously their interest differs. Personality! It is the personality I am interested in!

My classmates whom are girls.

     For Stela, I’ve only spoken to her few times before during my 3 years of studying in the same class with her. She is polite to me yet cold at the same time. In the virtual world, she’ll reply me the necessaries and ignore me after that. She loves writing and reading all sorts of novels, she clearly stood out from all the other girls in my previous class. By the way, I’ve gotten to know more about through her close friend (bus mate with her close friend).

     For WM, I only spoke to her once since last year till now. We’ve been in the same class for roughly a year already. She ignores me in any way possible and obviously cold to me. In the virtual world, she used to reply short messages and ignores me though there is improvement now, she chats with me for a while then starts ignoring me. :3 Hm… I don’t really know her, I don’t know her interest nor her life stories.  Just by my feelings and instincts, I marked her as ‘special’ and different from the rest of my other classmates (my perception).

     The 3 chapters of ‘love story’ in my life…. first girl was ordinary to me, second was special and the third was unknown till now. First love, ah…such memories, she is ordinary, no explanations needed and I have totally no idea how I fell in love for 2 and a half years. Second, my senior, she was and will still always special to me till now though something unfortunate happened… Third girl, the one I gave up on just about 2 weeks ago, I have no idea what category she falls into. Is she ordinary like all other girls or someone special?

Wouldn't my life be great if I interact with someone of the same kind?

     Back to topic, this morning I just had a very short and funny encounter with her. We had to take picture for our library card. As I was walking past her, I called her name as a sign of greeting. No reactions from her. When I got home, I found out the reason. She said I was disturbing her as she was preparing herself for the picture. The funny thing is, she wasn’t afraid of a bad picture but instead, she was nervous of everyone watching her as she takes her picture. “How cute!!!”

    WM is emotionally composed, elegant and have a soft lady-like voice. The way she walks, her voice, the way she thinks, the feeling around her and especially the look in her eye, they are all so different from other girls.   Although she is not fond of me…at all..I think.. She is still special to me. I don’t like her as a girl but I’m just interested in her, that’s my feelings for her. I cared for her even though it was none of my business but now, I don’t care for her because it is not of my business. WM is an independent girl, she would live on even if I never existed in her life, so she has all the rights to not bother about me. What difference would I make? I’ve just been through a tough chapter of my life, so I’ve pretty much lost interest in ‘love’ right now.  

     These days…I feel as if I’m the same as everyone else… I feel so ordinary, it is so boring to be normal. No difference, no drama.  

     “When did I become so emotional? When did I start caring so much? What happened to me?”

She changed me… I feel as if I’m a better person than before but I also feel as if I’ve killed a part of me because of a girl. One part of me, that difference is what makes me feel as if I am different from other people, as if I am in a different world. My neutral feelings, I can’t control them anymore, I start laughing, I start crying and I get mad from time to time.

     “What happened to the person I once was?"

Scars

25/02/2013 – Monday

Scars….What is your first thought when it comes to ‘scars’?

     When it comes to scars, there are 2 types of scars that I know of. Physical and Emotional scars. Physical scars are caused by perhaps a cut on the skin and it’ll be left as a mark there forever.  Emotional scars are like a gap in the heart, some calls it a traumatic experience and some would call it a bad experience.

     The emotional scar is like a dark memory, a one you don’t want to remember. The emotional scar is deep depending on what you have been through… The feelings you’ve felt and the pain you’re going through during the cut on your heart that makes an everlasting gap inside you.

     “What do you think of the scar?”

From my opinion, the scar does have benefits even though it is normally marked as a curse, something unfortunate to one’s life.

     “Why do I say it has benefits?”

Recently, I finally managed to escape from my own shackles. I kept on cutting myself deep inside me for months till scars were left all over my heart. These scars of mine, these gaps in my heart is a reminder for me to Never fall for the wrong person or care too much about someone else. Learn to be selfish even when it comes to someone you adore because the more you care, the more you love then the more you’ll be wounded in the end.

     The wounds are my lessons, the scars are a reminder. 

I probably won’t be falling for another girl any time soon. I’m too sick and annoyed with all these quiet love stories where I end up hurting myself. == 

Dramas.

23/02/2013 – Saturday

     The climax has ended silently and so has the ending. It’s a chapter of my life that I shall not forget, these feelings and experiences are lessons to me for my growth, I learn from them and continue on with my journey. This journey of mine is to self-discovery, success and so much more.  

     I love trying to make my life into a story, a drama. It makes life more interesting and fun to live in. I think of an experience that impacts my life would be a chapter of my life. An experience to fight for my life, and experience to succeed and the experience to love because these long-term experiences are parts and parcels of a chapter in my life!

     “Why do people love watching dramas but avoid living a life of dramas? You envy the happy ending of the drama but yet you’re afraid to live a life of dramas?” I love watching anime and probably all anime consist of drama, so I’ll use anime as an example. Anime such as Naruto, One Piece, Sword Art Online, Fairy Tail and Beelzebub are examples of the most popular anime right now. They all have something in common. They consist of stories about friendship, love, adventure, action and drama.

    “What am I trying to say?”

We watch them willingly fight to death for the sake of protecting their friends. We dream of having powers to do all sorts of stuff or be absorbed into a game/virtual world. Without the drama, these anime will be lifeless and meaningless. Nobody would bother watching them.

     “Do you realize something?”

We dream and hope so much but in the end, we’re all cowards. We’re afraid of getting hurt physically and mentally even if it’s just a little, yet we imagine a life of fighting to death for the sake of others with magic and power. We thought that we would save or help other people but in the end, we just watch them get hurt and walk away.

     “Do your actions speak louder than your words?”

Liars, not all of us are liars but so many of us are liars in this world. We lie to the people around us and ourselves. We lie to ourselves saying “I will help when I see someone in distress.” Reality, we just walk away to avoid troubling ourselves.

     If just a slice of drama and you’re afraid, don’t bother dreaming living a life of an anime character ever again.

     “Ask yourselves, what kind of life do you want?” You could choose to live a safe and straightforward story for your life, you’ll live happily like everyone else but just the same life everyone else. Although, you could also choose something else. You could choose to live a life of dramas for your story, different and extraordinary from everyone else.

     A life of drama, happy or sad ending, it really depends on how you live your life, to fight till the end or surrender when you thought you’re defeated.   

 Lock your arrogant hearts and minds as I too am trying, the choice is yours. Your life is not decided by your parents or teachers or any other people. You make the choice, you take charge and you live your own life! Fill your life with chapters and chapters of stories and dramas, then live and die with tears of joy.   

     

Flowers Bloom

20/02/2013 – Wednesday

     Lost & Gone. I woke up from my half a year dream and now is back into action, time to get serious with my life. It has almost been a week since I had officially given up on…on… 1804(Temporary measures) and I just noticed that! xP

     It feels so weird because at one point, all the girls around me just seem so neutral to me but now…. It is as if I could see flowers blooming from their hearts whenever any of them interacts with me especially when a smile appears from their faces. There are just a few girls, I imagined that their ‘flower’ are yet to bloom.

     A fine example of a yet to bloom flower would be a girl from a class, which is also my classmate. Hahahaha!!! Anyways, everyone considers her as a ‘cool’ or ‘composed’ type of girl. She is a girl who knows how to control her emotions and rarely smiles. She is the one and only WM in my current class. :3 Smiling does not necessarily mean ‘the flower blossoms’ to me, it’s more like the feeling I receive when I interact with a girl. The sensation from her is different yet….amusing! It is as if I get a cold feeling at first, then I’ll feel warm after that.

     Indulge yourself into imagination and try to imagine this. You call out to someone deem attractive to you, he/she looks back at you with cold eyes that makes your bones shiver. Slowly, those seemingly cold eyes changes in a way till a particular feeling of warmth radiates to you. He/She smiles sweetly right at you with his/her back facing you as he/she walks away. “What a way to greet someone, don’t you think so?” J

Hahaha, It was kind of cute and sexy in a way when she smiled at me that way. It sounds odd and funny at the same time when I say that about my classmate. xD!!

     Oh well, It seems I am back to my usual self but also not so usual. Pretty girls walking past, I feel the sensation~ >_< (Normal for single guys and even certain guys with girlfriends) I feel free again, escaped from all the suffering I’ve done to myself. I look at girls differently now, so many personalities and so many stories. My feelings don’t belong to anyone anymore for the moment so I guess it is the best time for me to expose myself to different people (girls in particular) and learn new things! Exploration of people’s thoughts and learning from other’s life stories is like a hobby for me. :3

     Flowers which are about to bloom, It is a challenge I could not resist, I will strive to make them blossom! Muahahaha!!!

     Lastly, I want to thank my junior for being so different. xP So far, she is the only girl who actually ‘looks for me first’ and accompanies me all day long xP. Normally, I’d be the one who looks for them to chat or something first. xP I won’t feel lonely nor sad when she’s around because she’s always there to cheer me up when I need her. :3

      

One Last Step

14/02/2013 – Thursday

     The world without my spectacles is so scary. Everything seems so blur without my clear vision because I can’t feel my confidence and my will to face the world. I’m scared, it is as if one of my senses is gone and I am left defenceless. My vision being blurred does have benefits though, benefits such as, I won’t be able to view ‘her’ clearly. I have this habit of looking at ‘her’, longing deeply to be with ‘her’ and take care of ‘her’. This habit of mine has been with me for months, since last year.  I hate it. I hate myself for doing that. It is weird and rude to ‘her’, It is also poisonous for me. I continue hurting myself and I’m aware of it.

    I had a day out with my junior, It was not a date. She is my junior, going to be 16 years old this year and she is definitely a pretty girl to me. I have known her since last year through Facebook, we occasionally chat during then time but just a few sentences and she starts ignoring me. Then this year, we somehow started chatting non-stop for weeks now. It is quite refreshing for me because for once, a pretty girl actually looks for me to chat with and cares about me in her own way. Normally, the situation would be the other way round. We went for ice-skating and wandered around Sunway Pyramid. Looking at stuff and enjoying the day that is passing through, I enjoyed the day. 

     “Hey, I just remembered something, one way to forget a girl is falling in love with another girl.”

Those words said to me by my junior left an echo in my mind.                       

     “How could I love any other girl when I have already deeply fallen for her?”

   As a 16-17 year old teenage guy, it is normally for guys to look at pretty girls and feel something funny inside them. For me, I’ve somehow lost that sensation. It is so awkward because I don’t feel anything when any pretty girl walks past me or something because I could only feel ‘her’ inside me. My heart belongs to ‘her’. It’s a natural thing, every guy and I meant every single guy does this, they flirt with any girl that deems attractive to them but only 1 girl matters to them.

       “Those feelings and words of yours, who are they directed to?”

I am curious because I always couldn’t feel anything from ‘her’, maybe something is wrong with me or maybe it’s meant for some other people? There was only once, one precious moment when ‘she’ smiled towards me and I actually felt that it was for me. My reaction was somewhat silly because I just stared at ‘her’ with a confused and blurred face. My state of mind was stunned. I was so delighted till I was lost in happiness just by one simple smile that lasted for about five seconds.

     “Why is there a distance between us? How hard is it to just talk to ‘her’?

We don’t talk nor wave to each other. It feels as if we are perfect strangers in person. We barely even chat in the virtual world these days. The lack of communication between ‘her’ and I is causing me to lose my spirit. I could see my hopes and dreams disappearing further and further away, the lack of faith caused me to be on the verge of giving up. The will to keep these feelings for ‘her’ is diluting. The fire that kept on burning without anything to fuel is slowly fading into darkness... 

     “No, I can’t give up! ‘She’ is the girl I’ve been waiting for!”

*spark* In an instant, the weak flame which was about to extinguish suddenly ablaze to light magnificently. The light that was produced by the flame is so brilliant, the colours flickering from the flame radiates beautifully.    

     I could feel that those unnecessary feelings for ‘her’ is finally losing, disappearing.  I could feel the difference these days. I look at ‘her’ and the feeling is different, I don’t feel the warmth as much as I used to. ‘Her’ pictures pops up on Facebook and It feels like any other pretty/cute girl to me, I don’t feel the impact, I don’t get stunned, I feel like I’m looking at my friend and nothing more. When ‘she’ falls sick or is in pain, I don’t get as stressed or worried as I used to, I don’t end up staying awake whole night just thinking of ‘her’.

     My patience is losing because I can’t wait forever for something that will never happen. It seems like my heart is slowly accepting the facts given by my brain because it is almost time for me to move on. I can’t stay quiet for so long when my heart was screaming out for ‘her’, desperately seeking for ‘her but to no avail, It is slowly giving up. Watching ‘her’ almost every single day, I can see that ‘her’ friends are more than enough to keep her strong and soon another guy will step into ‘her’ life. ‘She’ is capable of managing herself and I hope the next guy she chooses will be able to take care of ‘her’, love ‘her’ and risk everything just for ‘her’. The person who is meant to be by her side is not me. So, please, ‘her’ future …bxyfxxxxd please… always be there for her when ‘she’ is happy, sad and especially, in pain.  

     Giving up, it also means forgetting the hopes and dreams we’ve held on to. I am reaching that step. I have one last step before I am officially giving up. Like on a chess board, I am left with one last step before I surrender. ‘She’ conquered me unintentionally and effortlessly while I was trying to capture ‘her’ heart desperately.

     This story of ‘her’ and I, I am worn out and tired. I am sick of all my confusions, jealousy and hurt. None of it is ‘her’ fault but I am tired of myself being like this. I am giving up my hopes to be with her and throwing away my dreams to live a life with her in the future…

(END)

Dear the girl whom laughed during my confession to you, >_<

No, I am not mad at what happened last time. It’s just a way to make sure you know who you are to me. >_< Anyways, it has been a long and incredibly painful but yet wonderful journey for me because I met you, befriend you, learn about you and fell in love with you. J

-          You really touched my world and lighted it just by being yourself, I am not sure if you notice but you changed me. I have dreams, I have hopes, my hopes and dreams of living a life with you in the future. I changed into someone with hopes and dreams because of you.

Other people may view me as childish or immature to have this dream at this age of mine but… If you are the reason, I would strive for success so that I would be able to support you financially, take care of you properly and love you whole-heartedly. Who are they to criticize me if I am successful because of my dream to live a life with you in the future?  :3

-          Did you know? Your popularity always caused me to be jealous. I hate my jealousy but I only get jealous when it comes to you. I don’t get jealous because of power, property, money and stuff like that but oddly, I get jealous when you get close with other guys. Your friendly and sweet nature, attracts many people especially guys, perhaps even myself.

Your sickness caused you so much pain yet you manage to hide it and smile as if this cruel world is kind. Your stories you shared with me are precious to me, It made me want to take care of you and be there for you every single moment of my life. I wasn’t trying to pity you but instead I wanted to be the person whom can make you smile even in your darkest times.

-          It’s a little embarrassing and disturbing to say this but… I used to watch you all the time in class? >_< (Please, please, please, Forgive me for this). I feel like I’ve just admitted that I’m a stalker, what the miao… I couldn’t help it! I just can’t get my eyes off you! To me, the whole classroom becomes dark with only the teacher’s voice and you in view… During lessons when we just listen, I’ll end up watching you eventually… Watch you pay attention, sleep, ‘fish’ or just day dream in class. J    

Forever and after, you are my friend whom I loved, once upon a time….  J

中学生谈恋爱 Students Fall In Love

Students Fall In Love, what a nice and straightforward heading.
To summarize this whole video, it's about a guy who starts dating with a girl in his teenage life, then he became pathetic and broke down because the girl gave up on him and started dating with some other guy. He slowly stands back up with the help from his friends, parents and God. Conclusion, he overcomes the matter with a scar on his heart yet he still fought back the world in his own way.

Relating this video to myself, I could do some comparison and review.
I am a student too, a 17 year old male student who is about to end his secondary school life this year.
Oh, I am in the pathetic stage where I break down and is trying to move on with my sad life.

Firstly, in this video, It shows that 2 students are actually dating and eventually broke up.
In my case, nothing ever started yet everything ended.
It doesn't make sense, does it?

Secondly, the girl broke up and found a new boyfriend in a matter of a short period.
The guy watched her as she enjoys her days with another guy while he suffers depression every day from thinking of her.
In my case, once again, I am watching 'her' fall in love with I don't know who, about to watch another guy step into 'her' life and finally, watch 'her' enjoy 'her' days with some other guy.
Wonderful! That word was obviously not for me.

Thirdly, the guy wasn't able to let go of her and ends up cursing himself for not being to stay with her. He assumes that she is the 'perfect girl' for him. He didn't want anyone else but her even though if there may be some other girl waiting for him.
For this matter, I am still facing the same problem. I can't let go of 'her', no matter how hard I try to give up, forget and move on. I'll end up falling for 'her' over and over again, the memories of 'her' keeps replaying in my mind, I will think of 'her' every single day and ended up being depressed over it.

Finally, the guy finally stands back up and fights back against the world with a scar on his heart. He still have feelings for her but he continues striving for success and distracts himself from thinking of his ex-girlfriend.
I am not even sure what am I doing.
I too have dreams, dreams of living a life with her in the future. I may not be 'good looking' or 'smart' but if I set my heart at the right place, I will strive for success to have a good future with her. I have so many visions  but not all visions are meant to come true.

"Am I still in the darkness or am I unconsciously fighting back?"
I understand I am trying to ignore the darkness and trying to fight back against this cruel cold world but yet I am not giving up till I have done all I could. I am not the type of person who would barge into other's relationship. So, if she starts dating some other guy then I'll fully surrender and take serious measures to move on with my life.

Is it the right time for students to fall in love and start dating?
In the video, it mentions that students are still immature to fall in love and start dating.

In my opinion, falling in love is not something we students could help, it happens naturally and somewhat unconsciously. Although, when it comes to dating then yes, we have the power to control that fate.

"So, are students suitable for dating?"
I would say...it depends on both sides of the students. The level of maturity differs from different student, it is wrong to say all students should not date but it is also wrong to say all students could date. There are many students who could not differentiate 'puppy love' and 'love'. For an odd 17 year old guy like me, I think I can tell the difference between right and wrong though I'm just confused to choose which .

"What is love actually?"
It is  an intense feeling of deep affection or a deep romantic/sexual attachment to someone.
(Obtained from Google)

"What are the hidden meanings of love?"

That you will have to find out yourself~

I am not giving up....yet. I am a human after all, I can't go on forever.

My 'One Last Step' decides whether I should :
Move forward with her or Move on with my life.

To the innocent girl who said sorry to me during Hari Karnival 2012 at SMK USJ 8,
我爱你. I need to know, what I need to do with my life. Moving forward with you or moving on with my life without you. I am sure of one thing though, I will think of you as my dear friend even if you reject me or shut your world from me. :)