One Last Step

14/02/2013 – Thursday

     The world without my spectacles is so scary. Everything seems so blur without my clear vision because I can’t feel my confidence and my will to face the world. I’m scared, it is as if one of my senses is gone and I am left defenceless. My vision being blurred does have benefits though, benefits such as, I won’t be able to view ‘her’ clearly. I have this habit of looking at ‘her’, longing deeply to be with ‘her’ and take care of ‘her’. This habit of mine has been with me for months, since last year.  I hate it. I hate myself for doing that. It is weird and rude to ‘her’, It is also poisonous for me. I continue hurting myself and I’m aware of it.

    I had a day out with my junior, It was not a date. She is my junior, going to be 16 years old this year and she is definitely a pretty girl to me. I have known her since last year through Facebook, we occasionally chat during then time but just a few sentences and she starts ignoring me. Then this year, we somehow started chatting non-stop for weeks now. It is quite refreshing for me because for once, a pretty girl actually looks for me to chat with and cares about me in her own way. Normally, the situation would be the other way round. We went for ice-skating and wandered around Sunway Pyramid. Looking at stuff and enjoying the day that is passing through, I enjoyed the day. 

     “Hey, I just remembered something, one way to forget a girl is falling in love with another girl.”

Those words said to me by my junior left an echo in my mind.                       

     “How could I love any other girl when I have already deeply fallen for her?”

   As a 16-17 year old teenage guy, it is normally for guys to look at pretty girls and feel something funny inside them. For me, I’ve somehow lost that sensation. It is so awkward because I don’t feel anything when any pretty girl walks past me or something because I could only feel ‘her’ inside me. My heart belongs to ‘her’. It’s a natural thing, every guy and I meant every single guy does this, they flirt with any girl that deems attractive to them but only 1 girl matters to them.

       “Those feelings and words of yours, who are they directed to?”

I am curious because I always couldn’t feel anything from ‘her’, maybe something is wrong with me or maybe it’s meant for some other people? There was only once, one precious moment when ‘she’ smiled towards me and I actually felt that it was for me. My reaction was somewhat silly because I just stared at ‘her’ with a confused and blurred face. My state of mind was stunned. I was so delighted till I was lost in happiness just by one simple smile that lasted for about five seconds.

     “Why is there a distance between us? How hard is it to just talk to ‘her’?

We don’t talk nor wave to each other. It feels as if we are perfect strangers in person. We barely even chat in the virtual world these days. The lack of communication between ‘her’ and I is causing me to lose my spirit. I could see my hopes and dreams disappearing further and further away, the lack of faith caused me to be on the verge of giving up. The will to keep these feelings for ‘her’ is diluting. The fire that kept on burning without anything to fuel is slowly fading into darkness... 

     “No, I can’t give up! ‘She’ is the girl I’ve been waiting for!”

*spark* In an instant, the weak flame which was about to extinguish suddenly ablaze to light magnificently. The light that was produced by the flame is so brilliant, the colours flickering from the flame radiates beautifully.    

     I could feel that those unnecessary feelings for ‘her’ is finally losing, disappearing.  I could feel the difference these days. I look at ‘her’ and the feeling is different, I don’t feel the warmth as much as I used to. ‘Her’ pictures pops up on Facebook and It feels like any other pretty/cute girl to me, I don’t feel the impact, I don’t get stunned, I feel like I’m looking at my friend and nothing more. When ‘she’ falls sick or is in pain, I don’t get as stressed or worried as I used to, I don’t end up staying awake whole night just thinking of ‘her’.

     My patience is losing because I can’t wait forever for something that will never happen. It seems like my heart is slowly accepting the facts given by my brain because it is almost time for me to move on. I can’t stay quiet for so long when my heart was screaming out for ‘her’, desperately seeking for ‘her but to no avail, It is slowly giving up. Watching ‘her’ almost every single day, I can see that ‘her’ friends are more than enough to keep her strong and soon another guy will step into ‘her’ life. ‘She’ is capable of managing herself and I hope the next guy she chooses will be able to take care of ‘her’, love ‘her’ and risk everything just for ‘her’. The person who is meant to be by her side is not me. So, please, ‘her’ future …bxyfxxxxd please… always be there for her when ‘she’ is happy, sad and especially, in pain.  

     Giving up, it also means forgetting the hopes and dreams we’ve held on to. I am reaching that step. I have one last step before I am officially giving up. Like on a chess board, I am left with one last step before I surrender. ‘She’ conquered me unintentionally and effortlessly while I was trying to capture ‘her’ heart desperately.

     This story of ‘her’ and I, I am worn out and tired. I am sick of all my confusions, jealousy and hurt. None of it is ‘her’ fault but I am tired of myself being like this. I am giving up my hopes to be with her and throwing away my dreams to live a life with her in the future…

(END)

Dear the girl whom laughed during my confession to you, >_<

No, I am not mad at what happened last time. It’s just a way to make sure you know who you are to me. >_< Anyways, it has been a long and incredibly painful but yet wonderful journey for me because I met you, befriend you, learn about you and fell in love with you. J

-          You really touched my world and lighted it just by being yourself, I am not sure if you notice but you changed me. I have dreams, I have hopes, my hopes and dreams of living a life with you in the future. I changed into someone with hopes and dreams because of you.

Other people may view me as childish or immature to have this dream at this age of mine but… If you are the reason, I would strive for success so that I would be able to support you financially, take care of you properly and love you whole-heartedly. Who are they to criticize me if I am successful because of my dream to live a life with you in the future?  :3

-          Did you know? Your popularity always caused me to be jealous. I hate my jealousy but I only get jealous when it comes to you. I don’t get jealous because of power, property, money and stuff like that but oddly, I get jealous when you get close with other guys. Your friendly and sweet nature, attracts many people especially guys, perhaps even myself.

Your sickness caused you so much pain yet you manage to hide it and smile as if this cruel world is kind. Your stories you shared with me are precious to me, It made me want to take care of you and be there for you every single moment of my life. I wasn’t trying to pity you but instead I wanted to be the person whom can make you smile even in your darkest times.

-          It’s a little embarrassing and disturbing to say this but… I used to watch you all the time in class? >_< (Please, please, please, Forgive me for this). I feel like I’ve just admitted that I’m a stalker, what the miao… I couldn’t help it! I just can’t get my eyes off you! To me, the whole classroom becomes dark with only the teacher’s voice and you in view… During lessons when we just listen, I’ll end up watching you eventually… Watch you pay attention, sleep, ‘fish’ or just day dream in class. J    

Forever and after, you are my friend whom I loved, once upon a time….  J