13/09/2013 –
Tuesday
It was a weird dream. I haven’t dreamt of
her for quite a while till 2 nights ago and that dream was definitely not a
good sign.
The girl
I have been going crazy for, it has already been a year + since I started having
feelings for her. There have been so many thoughts and hopes about her. This
sick girl, I had so many suspicions, worries, jealousy, sadness, happiness,
relief, frustration and joy because of her. None of these would have happened
if I did not love her in the first place.
I admit
and do not deny that I have dreamt of her on several occasions, all were sweet
and comforting dreams. I had dreams of taking care of her, dreams of being by
her side, dreams of seeing her smile and dreams of growing up with her. All of
them actually came true for me, except for one, and before that dream came
true, everything came crashing down.
All
those dreams were similar…they were all positive but… two nights ago, it was
different.
Dressed in black.
I don’t
know why and I don’t know how but I dreamt of …. hurting
her. There were several
scenes. One scene was when I slapped her or something for some reason which I
can’t remember (because it was a dream). The other scene was a little longer.
I was in
some open-balcony and not too far away from a place where an event was going on.
It was some sort of costume event or rather anime convention. I saw two random
students holding guns in their hands. It wasn’t an actual gun, it was those ‘pellet
guns’ or ‘air rifles’ and they had pretty huge one. Needless to say, I ignored them and climbed
out of the balcony to the roof. Then, I placed the container which was slinging
across my shoulder and started unloading what was inside it. It was a sniper, a
really long and huge one too. It had a stand to it, and I used the scope to spy
on the event which was going on nearby. In my dream, I saw her standing about the
place through the scope of my sniper.
Quiet but deadly.
As
silent as the night in a deserted town, *bang*. I shot her neck. She flinched
and quickly placed her hands to her neck. I shot again and again till she ran
for cover. Lying on the roof, I quickly stood up, grabbed my sniper and ran in
pursuit of her. Locking my eyes on her, I did not let her escape my sight so I
could hurt her endlessly.
In
reality, right now, I do not hate her at all. She is my friend, she is my
classmate and she is just another ordinary girl. I loved her and I got hurt by
her. I suffer, I cry, I forgive and I try to move on with neutral feelings
towards her. Then why is it that I dreamt of hurting her and felt the desire to
hurt her when I was dreaming?
Honestly, I do not hate her. In fact, I
have not gotten over her yet. I am trying to though. She once said she’d rather
I hate her then be nice to her. Well, I should congratulate her,
unintentionally and subconsciously, she made me hate her.
I am a
bad person after all, I love her so much till I hate her from deep beneath my heart.
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