Shatter.

04/08/2013 – Sunday

      “What does ‘on the verge of losing it’ means? How many ways are there to ‘lose it’?”

 The ‘losing it’ that I was trying to say is losing your sanity or losing your calmness because of something.  

You ‘lose it’.

You could become aggressively angry and start destroying everything around you.  You could become unimaginably depressed and be consumed by it or you could just lose every meaning in your life to stay alive. 

     It’s been months since I’ve last had a friendly chat with you. My days now are so shattered without you. You are my escape route because every time when I have problem, you will be there for me when I need you even if you was busy. You understand me while others don’t, why did you leave me in this wretched world on my own?

     I am determined to strive hard so I could be standing on the same ‘stage’ as you, so that you would acknowledge me once again but I am already breaking down on my first few steps. You are my motivation to be successful but honestly, I’m not doing so well when you’re not with it. You even went as far as treating me as if we’re just strangers.

I was hurt and I am hurt. We were fine all this while, why suddenly bring back the past? I regret Li Hung, I really regret what I’ve done in the past. I regret living in this ‘present time’. I regret everything right now. Regrets are all I have now, they are my curse and they are useless.

I’m selfish to say “I want you to be in my story, the main character.” I want to have those endless hours chatting about anything and everything with you. I want to Skype with you and ask you about your day. I want your care and support. All we had, all we’ve done, I want all of them back to how it used to be. I’m selfish when it comes to you because I’m selfish to you whom ‘I need’ and now I regret being selfish for the wrong person. It’s not a good thing to selfish, it never is, but I must say, being selfish has its own benefits.

How long has it been since my dream of standing on the same stage as you was born? How long has it been since I’ve told you that I will make you acknowledge me one day? Every time, once I hold my books, I think of you. I go to the gym, I grow stronger, I think of you. When my thoughts wander about college, university and the future, I think of you. You are momentarily my motivation to grow but how long will I last without you in my life?

I’m struggling every day because of someone. I’m convinced that I’ve broken free but honestly, I was just lying to myself. I was just trying to look away and ignore the fact. I will end up forgiving, I will end up caring, I will end up doing the same mistakes over and over again. I hurt and get hurt, I forgive and be forgiven, I care, I love and get hurt again. This cycle, I can’t break free from it, I need your support, Chong Li Hung.  

I abandon my pride for you and you know how prideful I was and am. Pity me, help this useless junior of yours.

I am so weak, to tell you that I can stand next to you one day when I can’t even stand anymore.