14/02/2013 –
Thursday
The world without my spectacles is so
scary. Everything seems so blur without my clear vision because I can’t feel my
confidence and my will to face the world. I’m scared, it is as if one of my senses
is gone and I am left defenceless. My vision being blurred does have benefits
though, benefits such as, I won’t be able to view ‘her’ clearly. I have this
habit of looking at ‘her’, longing deeply to be with ‘her’ and take care of ‘her’.
This habit of mine has been with me for months, since last year. I hate it. I hate myself for doing that. It
is weird and rude to ‘her’, It is also poisonous for me. I continue hurting
myself and I’m aware of it.
I had a day out with my junior, It was not
a date. She is my junior, going to be 16 years old this year and she is definitely
a pretty girl to me. I have known her since last year through Facebook, we
occasionally chat during then time but just a few sentences and she starts
ignoring me. Then this year, we somehow started chatting non-stop for weeks
now. It is quite refreshing for me because for once, a pretty girl actually
looks for me to chat with and cares about me in her own way. Normally, the
situation would be the other way round. We went for ice-skating and wandered
around Sunway Pyramid. Looking at stuff and enjoying the day that is passing
through, I enjoyed the day.
“Hey, I just remembered something, one way
to forget a girl is falling in love with another girl.”
Those words said to me by my junior left an echo in my mind.
“How could I love any other
girl when I have already deeply fallen for her?”
As a 16-17 year old teenage guy, it is
normally for guys to look at pretty girls and feel something funny inside them.
For me, I’ve somehow lost that sensation. It is so awkward because I don’t feel
anything when any pretty girl walks past me or something because I could only
feel ‘her’ inside me. My heart belongs to ‘her’. It’s a natural thing, every
guy and I meant every single guy does this, they flirt with any girl that deems
attractive to them but only 1 girl matters to them.
“Those feelings and words of yours, who
are they directed to?”
I am curious
because I always couldn’t feel anything from ‘her’, maybe something is wrong
with me or maybe it’s meant for some other people? There was only once, one
precious moment when ‘she’ smiled towards me and I actually felt that it was
for me. My reaction was somewhat silly because I just stared at ‘her’ with a
confused and blurred face. My state of mind was stunned. I was so delighted
till I was lost in happiness just by one simple smile that lasted for about
five seconds.
“Why is there a distance between us? How
hard is it to just talk to ‘her’?
We don’t talk nor
wave to each other. It feels as if we are perfect strangers in person. We
barely even chat in the virtual world these days. The lack of communication
between ‘her’ and I is causing me to lose my spirit. I could see my hopes and
dreams disappearing further and further away, the lack of faith caused me to be
on the verge of giving up. The will to keep these feelings for ‘her’ is
diluting. The fire that kept on burning without anything to fuel is slowly
fading into darkness...
“No, I can’t give up! ‘She’ is the girl
I’ve been waiting for!”
*spark* In an
instant, the weak flame which was about to extinguish suddenly ablaze to light
magnificently. The light that was produced by the flame is so brilliant, the
colours flickering from the flame radiates beautifully.
I could feel that those unnecessary
feelings for ‘her’ is finally losing, disappearing. I could feel the difference these days. I
look at ‘her’ and the feeling is different, I don’t feel the warmth as much as
I used to. ‘Her’ pictures pops up on Facebook and It feels like any other
pretty/cute girl to me, I don’t feel the impact, I don’t get stunned, I feel
like I’m looking at my friend and nothing more. When ‘she’ falls sick or is in
pain, I don’t get as stressed or worried as I used to, I don’t end up staying
awake whole night just thinking of ‘her’.
My patience is losing because I can’t wait
forever for something that will never happen. It seems like my heart is slowly
accepting the facts given by my brain because it is almost time for me to move
on. I can’t stay quiet for so long when my heart was screaming out for ‘her’,
desperately seeking for ‘her but to no avail, It is slowly giving up. Watching
‘her’ almost every single day, I can see that ‘her’ friends are more than
enough to keep her strong and soon another guy will step into ‘her’ life. ‘She’
is capable of managing herself and I hope the next guy she chooses will be able
to take care of ‘her’, love ‘her’ and risk everything just for ‘her’. The
person who is meant to be by her side is not me. So, please, ‘her’ future …bxyfxxxxd
please… always be there for her when ‘she’ is happy, sad and especially, in
pain.
Giving up, it also means forgetting the
hopes and dreams we’ve held on to. I am reaching that step. I have one last
step before I am officially giving up. Like on a chess board, I am left with
one last step before I surrender. ‘She’ conquered me unintentionally and
effortlessly while I was trying to capture ‘her’ heart desperately.
This story of ‘her’ and I, I am worn out and
tired. I am sick of all my confusions, jealousy and hurt. None of it is ‘her’
fault but I am tired of myself being like this. I am giving up my hopes to be
with her and throwing away my dreams to live a life with her in the future…
(END)
Dear the girl whom
laughed during my confession to you, >_<
No, I am not mad at
what happened last time. It’s just a way to make sure you know who you are to
me. >_< Anyways, it has been a long and incredibly painful but yet
wonderful journey for me because I met you, befriend you, learn about you and
fell in love with you. J
-
You really
touched my world and lighted it just by being yourself, I am not sure if you
notice but you changed me. I have dreams, I have hopes, my hopes and dreams of living
a life with you in the future. I changed into someone with hopes and dreams
because of you.
Other people may
view me as childish or immature to have this dream at this age of mine but… If
you are the reason, I would strive for success so that I would be able to
support you financially, take care of you properly and love you
whole-heartedly. Who are they to criticize me if I am successful because of my
dream to live a life with you in the future?
:3
-
Did you know?
Your popularity always caused me to be jealous. I hate my jealousy but I only
get jealous when it comes to you. I don’t get jealous because of power,
property, money and stuff like that but oddly, I get jealous when you get close
with other guys. Your friendly and sweet nature, attracts many people
especially guys, perhaps even myself.
Your sickness
caused you so much pain yet you manage to hide it and smile as if this cruel
world is kind. Your stories you shared with me are precious to me, It made me
want to take care of you and be there for you every single moment of my life. I
wasn’t trying to pity you but instead I wanted to be the person whom can make
you smile even in your darkest times.
-
It’s a
little embarrassing and disturbing to say this but… I used to watch you all the
time in class? >_< (Please, please, please, Forgive me for this). I feel
like I’ve just admitted that I’m a stalker, what the miao… I couldn’t help it!
I just can’t get my eyes off you! To me, the whole classroom becomes dark with
only the teacher’s voice and you in view… During lessons when we just listen,
I’ll end up watching you eventually… Watch you pay attention, sleep, ‘fish’ or
just day dream in class. J
Forever and after,
you are my friend whom I loved, once upon a time….
J
