What did I want?

07/03/2013 – Thursday

     “What is it that I want?” This question is so very familiar to me. My friend is facing love issues. Her situation is all so similar to mine few weeks back. She is in a stage where she longs for a guy but could not reach him, gets jealous of other girls because they interact with him and does not know what to do with her life.

     Once you know what you want, you’ll know what you need to do. It was an advice I gave to my friend but it was also something I couldn’t solve.

     “What did I actually want from her?” I also had a hard time seeking for answer to solve that question. I seriously did like her, love her actually even if I don’t know the true meaning of ‘love’, but what did I want from her? Is it a relationship? Is it her attention? Is it her love in return?

     “What were my answers then?” To move along with my life, I kept on pestering myself to answer the question. My selfishness would sometimes say, I want to love her and her to love me back in return (A relationship). Sometimes I’ll say a life of future with her, take care of her and protect her. Finally, I’ll answer. I want her to be happy, no matter who she is with, no matter where she is, what she is doing, what condition she is and whatever happens. 

     My final answer was, I want her to be happy all the time and enjoy her life.

     With that question solve, I knew what I had to do. I had 2 options and I took on both of them. One is to win her heart back and make her happy myself. Second, give up. Unfortunately, I obviously failed the first one and surprisingly failed the second one too.

      “She is so popular, so many choices, why choose me?” I have no progress, I wasn’t able to do anything and the timing for my plans was not right. Thus, I failed for my first option.  

     Giving up, so easy to say and do, then why wasn’t it working out for me? I kept myself busy, kept on telling myself to give up and move on but I end up falling for her even more. I realized, the time I forget about “I want to give up on her” is the time when I’ve really given up on her.

     In the end, someway, somehow and for some unknown reason, I gave up and forgot the feelings that I’ve held for her once upon a time… I guess fate showed that we were not meant for each other~ 

To my beloved friend, I’ll say this one more. Once you know what you want, you’ll know what you need to do.