Confessions

     Have you ever felt that nervous feeling whenever you're about to go on stage and give performance?

I have.
     Sometimes, or rather most of the time, I'll get nervous when I get into these kind of situations. My legs start to tremble, my body vibrates and my mind will be just in a mess.When i'm alone and by myself, I can say the most extraordinary or sweetest things in my mind. (Seriously) But when it comes to the time to SPEAK out from my voice, it ends up completely different with blank spaces and totally messed up.

     Confessions, they're even worst. I'm sure, trust me. In my 16 years of life, i have only tried to confess to girls twice. It feels as if... Major exams were just a walk in the park, giving a speech was child-play and performing arts in a huge audience was just a piece of cake. Confession of love is just between two people yet the hardest. for me anyways~
     The words i want to say to the girl I like keeps replaying in my mind. Heart beating and thumping so fast that i can't comprehend, I'm beyond nervous.
     Separated, confessing my love through the phone was difficult enough. Would I fainy if i confessed in real life? That is a question that I shouldn't dwell into.
     Unlock. Contacts. Search for her name. Then i got stuck on the next stage, Call. Waited for a moment. my phone auto locked. The new application 'Mazelock' that I installed not long ago suddenly feels so confusing and unsolvable. I kept on missing the dots. =_=
     Retry. Unlock. Contacts. Search for name and finally, call. Heart thumping even faster, I thought to myself "What is wrong with me? Just say what I want to say!"
     The messages in my mind that I want to deliver was separated into 3 fractions.
1. Apology
2. Encounter
3. Confession
Managed to complete the first part only. What will happen next?
     Either I was just too nervous or cowardly, I revealed 'Encounter' to her through text. It was quite a short text, I suppose, with missing sentences, I just send it to her. Her replies was to give me a chance to voice out part 3 'Confession' (She didn't know what was in part 3) when she have the proper 'Time & State'.
     Finally, part 3, confession...  Few days after I texted her 'Encounter', she replied, I was surprised as I thought she had forgotten about my very existence. Heart trembling, I paused for a moment to run through my thoughts before calling her.
     "Just do it! Just say what you can and want to say!" my mind forced me to just press the call button and face reality.
     As I spoke and heard her voice, my mind went blank. It was as if I haven't given a single thought about this, this is going to be horrible. I spoke and paused, spoke again then paused. Somewhere around the middle of the 'conversation', she started laughing...not in a bad way ofcourse~ So, I just forced myself to be as straightforward as possible while trying to be casual. *Beep* The conversation ended...in an odd manner and I just.... waited for her answer through the text.

     After that incident between her and I, I have already expected her answer. Rejection. I've been preparing myself for rejection since quite a while...yet somehow, I'm only half prepared. One side of me stood strong and accepted her answer. While the other...just broke down, shattered into not even to pieces but dust.
     The one side that stood strong told me "Never give up, give everything you've got, you still have a chance. Keep chasing her till death...or something like that."
     The other side that shattered told me... "You've lost your chance. There are so many guys out there that adore her, why would she choose you? She gave you a chance once and that was your 'First & Last' chance. It's no use trying to win her back anymore, give up. You've lost her. You always lose the girl you truly love. Always have lost and always will lose, that is your DESTINY."

(END)