Realization

There comes a time...

17/11/2012 - Saturday

     “Is this alright?”
The 16 year old teenager sets out at dawn seeking for inspirations. Didn’t really had a smooth night but had a seriously sweet dream that is strictly meant for fantasy. The dream pictures her and I actually doing stuff together as couples. Watching movies on the sofa, hanging out, going to conventions and sorts together. Almost as if I could feel her warmth…
     Walking alone once again, I’m searching for a place with less civilization, in other words less people. Like birds searching for a place to nestle, I’ve been searching for my solitude sanctuary. Deprived from people, I could always think better, feel better and have my peaceful time. Shutting myself out from the world, that is me.
     Resuming back on my thoughts, my mind filled with questions and start doubting myself again. It’s hard to forget the past days event, the event where I am rejected by a girl again. “Is this alright? Was it the right choice? Am I taking the wrong step again?”
     Reading through my inbox messages sent by her over and over again, I’m not sure if I realized something but…it feels like I’ve made a mistake somewhere AGAIN. Alright, I’m getting really sick of this word ‘again’ as I’ve been repeating the same mistakes.
     ‘First & Last’ chance, that’s what I felt like yet somehow I feel like screaming “Your Love Is Just A Lie”, a phrase used by Simple Plan in one of their songs.
     “Is this the girl I should be confessing to? Is she the one I’ve REALLY been waiting for? Was it the right choice to continue chasing and waiting for her or was it even the right choice to tell her that?” my mind couldn’t stop betraying my resolve to make myself hers and her to be mine.
      “As you keep blaming yourself, hurting yourself, you’ll end up loving her more, growing more depressed and worst DESPERATE,” these words definitely slammed me back into reality. As If I just crashed into a concrete wall, someone ignited the rebellious side of me like a volcano eruption with her words. Must thank her instead of teasing her next time, right? 

To just let the thoughts pass through

     Popularity, she’s like a magnet to all her guy friends as she is pretty and posses a sweet nature. “Am I just another idiot to fall for her? What do other guys see in her? Do they see what I see in her or just that she’s pretty and easy to might with?” I would usually prefer girls that are less popular, less competition and signs that show they’re unnoticed.
      Experience, I dislike girls with dating experience. It makes me feel inferior and not their ‘First & Last’, is that so hard to find? She, herself told me before that she has “Couple and couple after a few montha of breakup.” That doesn’t sound right… Who’s the unlucky one? The guys that she have dated before or her? She sounds overly experienced, normally after a breakup, girls will just keep themselves single for quite some time before dating again…Except for playgirls.. Is she one? I do not want to know , definitely it’ll bring me to tears again if I do. Happy or sad tears, which is it?
     Interest, how would a relationship survive without an interest to date each other? After several breakups, she has lost interest in ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ for…I don’t know how long. How could I proceed with anything else if she herself has lost interest? I, myself have been single all along not because I didn’t had the chance opportunity or chance to date but because I’ve been waiting for the right one to come by. Thus, my interest has been there all along, burning ever so brightly while waiting for the right girl to appear. Unfortunately, 4 years have passed since my adolescent stage have started and the flames are burning without fuel….burning me alive.. She dislikes guys chasing after her these days, what more if it’s someone like me? I’m not so worthy for her after all, too attractive for someone like me to date her.
      Lastly…should I continue waiting for her? Waiting for my chance to relive? I may sound desperate but…. Should I continue chasing after her? Challenges and depressions I will encounter..how many guys do I have to watch her date till it’s my turn again? How selfish of me, speaking of my friend as if she won’t get a permanent one. She will….someday, but when will that day be? I’d wish that person would be me, her last to protect and care for her, to love her but I guess that won’t be happening since the situation is like this.  

Angle or Demon?

Sincerely to xxx xxx,
“Take care of yourself, make sure to choose the ABSOLUTE right one next time… I’ll just be watching over you, be your guardian ‘angel/demon’, my friend. J”
 
(END)