Feelings....

Certain words that are flowing through my mind. 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope but failure's all you've known. :)

I want to clarify first that i only own the first picture. 

What do these feelings mean to you?

22/11/2012 – Thursday

     Love… Hate… Like… Dislike… Anger… Sadness… All these are feelings, but what do you understand from them? Recently, I’ve just discovered or experience MY true feeling of love, this feeling that only brings sadness and destruction to my world. My definition of love would be the destruction of one’s life.

I understand that many have said love is a wonderful and glorious feeling. The feeling to really adore and care for someone else, this feeling is what makes us humans, humans who knows how to love others. The unusual feeling that makes our hearts races into excitement when we meet with someone we have feelings for and feels the unique warmth from their partners.  The feeling of love that we share with that special someone, we could always go to that someone, share our happiness and sadness, encounter problems together, no secrets, no boundaries and so much more…  The feeling that could just make one’s heart melt. Too bad… I can’t say the same for myself. J

 I’ve become so weak… my emotions are causing my mentality to go insane anytime soon. Thinking of her name causes my heart to beat unusually fast, looking at her causes me to feel like crying and speaking to her just ruins me entirely. That is love to me. A strong-willed guy like me breaks down because of his *ahem* love for a girl. 
     I haven’t cried in ages.. at least it felt like ages ago? I promised myself that I would not cry anymore since I was a kid because I have come to an understanding that crying is useless, non-beneficial. A young man crying is just known as weak and still a child, yet small tears came out from my eyes and I’m aware of it.

 There are moments when you would feel cold even if you’re in the warmest atmosphere, is not necessarily the symptoms of fever. My emotions and feelings affected my physical body to have that frozen feeling within me, inside of me. It’s so cold… 
     “What is wrong with me?! Stop it! Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP YOU FUCKING LOSER!” my voice just kept screaming at an empty room which deliberately means to me. I feel like slapping myself, hire someone to beat me up or even just suicide but for years I have suffered, I have endured and I know how to control myself. This cold world, I’m not qualified to fight in this war but then the one who falls is not by the world but by one self.

 There are times when you’re broken till you just want to curl up in sorrow at some corner of your room and weep.  Unfortunately, I did that. It’s pathetic, I know. Have you ever felt why it’s so hard to breathe because of your beating heart that seems to have a nail stuck there somewhere before? Well, that is what this feeling called love has done to me.

  As I start taking deep breaths, I have this huge urge to go on a rampage and destroy everything around me, the urge to hurt and destroy. “No, I have changed.” I should not resort to violence no matter what happens, I will have sinned for losing myself. Losing my sanity, pride and everything else I have endured and achieved. I will not be lifeless. Have i mentioned...every time after i break down, the following day I would grow as cold as ever? 

     Throughout the night… all I could dream of was glass cracking then… shattering. What is your definition of LOVE?